


The Guardian Amulet

by Qu_Marsh



Series: The Guardian Amulet [1]
Category: Breath of Fire II, Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy IV, Final Fantasy VI, Final Fantasy VII, PaRappa the Rapper, Soul Calibur, Street Fighter, Suikoden I, Wild ARMs
Genre: Action/Adventure, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1997-05-01
Updated: 1997-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-19 03:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qu_Marsh/pseuds/Qu_Marsh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angol Fred, King of False Rumors, plots to take over the videogame realm by making false rumors come true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Night fell on the Forgotten Capital of the Cetra. From a vantage point on the cliffs above the city, two figures looked at the city. Both were wearing identical black robes with large hoods that concealed their faces. One, however, was skinny, while the other was shorter and chubby. 

"It's dark enough," the skinny one whispered. "Let's go." 

The skinny figure reached into its robe, produced a grappling hook, and tossed it down the cliff. The hook caught on a rock near the bottom. The hooded figure then grabbed onto the rope and slid easily down to the coral-covered ruins. It looked back up a the cliff, where the chubby one was still standing. "Get moving," it snapped. 

"I'm scared," the chubby figure said. Clinging to the rope, it slowly made its way down the cliff, where the skinny one stood waiting impatiently. 

Silently, the two mysterious figures made their way through the city until they came to the circular building at the center. The pair was not interested in the building, however. The chubby one searched through the coral until it finally located the pump that they had stashed there the previous night. The chubby figure dragged the pump out from the coral and over to the small pond near the building. 

While the skinny one watched, the chubby figure proceeded to drain the water from the lake with the pump. When the lake had been emptied, the skinny figure crawled down the former banks to the bottom of the lake. It soon returned, bearing a body. "Okay. We're done," it said. The figure produced a small communication device, flipped it on, and spoke into. "Succesful completion of Phase I of Operation Lansing. Returning to base." 

"What about the lake?" the other asked. 

The skinny figure paused to think. "Those AVALANCHE do-gooders might not like it if we left it like this," it said. "Better fill it back up." 

The chubby figure reversed the pump and started to release the water back into the lake. Without waiting for it to finish, the two hooded figures hurried off the way they had come, carrying the body. 

_Next chapter:[Emiko](ga1ch1.html)_  
---


	2. Prologue

_Three months after the defeat of Zeikfried..._

The Sweet Candy sailed towards the ghost ship blocking the strait between the Inner Sea and Outer Ocean. On board, Rudy loaded his seven ARMs (having thrown away the Bazooka because it was completely useless) while Jack tuned his guitar. Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, McDullen, and Bartholomew were wandering Filgaia, hunting the remaining demons. Currently, they were about to eliminate a pesky ghost ship. 

The Sweet Candy pulled up alongside the ghost ship. Rudy, Jack -- with Hanpan on his shoulder --, Cecilia, and Jane crossed over onto the ghost ship. Two skeletons came to life and rushed towards them. Jack cast Cosmic Nova and the skeletons exploded. 

"Where are all the ghosts?" Hanpan wondered as they descended below deck. The ship seemed deserted. 

Rudy shrugged and set some of his bombs. The group hurried back above deck and saw where all the ghosts had gone. They had borded the Sweet Candy. "Help!" Bartholomew shouted. 

Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, and Jane ran back to the Sweet Candy. Cecilia smashed one of the skeletons into pieces with her wand. Jane shot another with her ARM. Then Rudy summoned Zephyr and the dragon incinerated all of the skeletons. "Their leader went below deck," Bartholomew said. 

The group charged down the stairs. The skeleton captain and six other skeletons were walking down the hall. Jack used Cosmic Nova again, destroying all the captain's flunkies. Cecilia cast Armor Down on the captain. Suddenly, a section of the roof collapsed and Zed dropped through. "I'll save you!" he shouted. 

"Shut up, Zed," Jack said, ducking a dagger thrown by the skeleton captain. Hanpan picked up the dagger and heaved it at the captain. It missed. The captain turned, grabbed Zed, and shoved him into a closet. Then Cecilia cast Saint on the captain. A beam of light struck the captain, destroying the undead creature. 

"What happened to Zed?" Hanpan asked, looking around. Jane shrugged. 

The group went back up to the deck of the Sweet Candy. The ghost ship had already disappeared below the surface of the water, sunk by Rudy's bombs. But the party was not paying any attention to that. Instead, they were looking at the new figure on the deck. It was Emiko. 

"Emiko? What are you doing here?" Cecilia asked. 

"We need your help in the Elw Dimension," Emiko said. "Somebody has broken into the Elw Castle and stolen the Guardian Amulet." 

"Elw Castle? I didn't know there was an Elw Castle." 

"It's on the northwest island," Emiko explained. "It's difficult to reach. In fact, there's no way to get there. That's what makes this so strange." 

"Then how are WE going to get there?" Jane asked. 

"Let's go back to Adlehyde and talk to Emma," Rudy suggested. 

*** * ***

"If we combined the Elw technology that operates the Forest Mound with the Protowing, then we could fly it into the Elw Dimension," Emma mused. "I'll do some research on it and see what I can come up with. This could call for a new version of the Emma-Motor." 

"We don't have time for that," Emiko said. "We've got to get the Amulet back before the thief gains complete control over the Guardians." 

"Don't worry, I'll get some help," Emma replied. "In the mean time, you could try crashing the Protowing into the Forest Mound and teleporting that way." 

*** * ***

Angol Fred, brother of Angol Moa, relaxed in his recliner, eating a donut and watching reruns of the hit TV show "Touched by a Guardian." At last he would finally get some recognition. Moa was the King of Illusions and he was only the King of False Rumors. But now he had stolen the Guardian Amulet, and he wielded absolute control over the Guardians. 

"Sir, we have a problem." Angol Fred's three generals -- General Leo, Yuber, and Aeris -- entered the room. 

"What's that?" Angol Fred asked. 

"It's something bad that one has to deal with," Yuber explained. 

"No, I meant, what's the problem?" Fred said. 

"Those people from Filgaia have entered the Elw Dimension," Aeris said. 

Fred thought for a moment, then grabbed the Guardian Amulet from the table where it sat. Embedded in the amulet were three gems -- red, blue, and green -- corresponding to the Guardians of Love, Hope, and Courage. Angol Fred removed the three gems. "Each of you take one of these gems and go to your homeworld," Fred commanded. "Without these gems, those fools won't be able to use the amulet." Angol Fred's generals started to leave. "And I've got business to attend to," Fred said, waddling off. 

*** * ***

Zed rattled the door of the closet he had been trapped in. "Help!" he shouted desperately. 


	3. The Elw Castle

"This is a typical Emma idea," Hanpan said as Jane flew the Protowing towards the Forest Mound. 

"Here we go!" Jane shouted, diving the Protowing towards the Forest Mound. The Protowing crashed through the treetops, snapping off branches and boring large holes through trees. The flying machine spiraled into the middle of the Forest Mound and crashed head-first into the altar. It suddenly stopped its rapid descent and was sucked into the Elw Dimension. The Protowing reappeared on top of the corresponding Forest Mound in the Elw Dimension. 

"Well, here we are," Jane said. "Where's this castle of yours?" 

Emiko took the helm of the Protowing and flew the vehicle to the northwest island in the Elw Dimension. He landed it in front of a large green and white castle. "This is the Elw Castle," he explained. "It was built by the Archmage Kizim." Kizim, of course, was the Elw that created the Kizim Fire of Baskar. 

The five -- plus Hanpan -- got out of the Protowing. Cecilia held up the Tear and the doors swung open. The party entered. The Elw Castle had obviously been in disrepair for many years. The floor was covered with dust and huge spiderwebs hung from the ceiling. 

"There must be something in here that'll give us a clue as to who's taken the Guardian Amulet," Emiko said. 

"What's that?" Jane asked, pointing at a metal object in the distance. It looked like a huge four-legged robot. 

"A LEG!" Emiko exclaimed, walking closer. The robot -- which has heavily armed -- bore a certain odd resemblance to a goat. 

"A what?" 

"It's a LEG -- that stands for Laser Emitting Goat," Emiko explained. "They're a more advanced form of ARM that uses many of the technologies found in the golems." Suddenly, the LEG came to life. Its mouth open and a green tractor beam shot out. The beam picked up Emiko and sucked him towards the LEG's mouth. 

Rudy fired his rocket launcher at the LEG's mouth and blasted out the tractor beam. Emiko fell to the ground. "Hey, that gives me an idea," Jack said, getting the hint for a new Fast Draw. He swung his sword and a green wave pulled the LEG towards him. Then he clobbered it in the head with his sword. The LEG retaliated by firing a beam of light at Jack. Jack ducked out of the light. 

Cecilia cast Hi-Break on the LEG. Pelted by rocks flying out of the ground, the LEG backed off. Emiko, still lying on the ground, got to his feet and cast a spell. The LEG stopped moving and collapsed to the ground. "Somebody must have set that LEG to attack us," Emiko explained. 

Jack was looking into the cockpit of the LEG. He pulled out a kobold, holding the dog-like creature by the fur on its head. "Here's your culprit," he said to Emiko. 

"A kobold?" Emiko wondered. "What's a kobold doing here?" 

"He's kind of cute, actually," Jack said. "Can we keep him?" 

"But he's not as smart as I am," Hanpan added from Jack's shoulder. 

Suddenly, a ball of blue light flew out of the Tear and circled over the party. Then it flew down a hallway. "I think we'd better follow it," Cecilia said. The party followed the light down the halls of the Elw Castle to the basement. There the light hovered over an empty pedestal. 

"That's where the Amulet's supposed to be," Emiko guessed. 

"Correct," a voice said. A vague flicker of Stoldark appeared over the pedestal. "The Amulet has been stolen by Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors. As long as he it, he wields absolute control of the Guardians. You will not be able to summon us. The only reason I able to appear right now is because he is away from the castle." 

"Where he is?" Cecilia asked. 

"We don't know, Innocent One," Moa Gault said, appearing. 

"Move over, Gurdijeff," Fengalon interrupted. "No, the other way." 

"But the amulet does no good by itself anyway," Moa Gault continued. 

"What kind of name is Gurdijeff anyway?" Fengalon said. 

Moa Gault ignored him. "Its power lies in three gems corresponding to Love, Hope, and Courage." 

"Ka Dingel, now that's a cool name." 

"Shut up, Fengalon," Stoldark said, then turned his attention back to the party. "Angol Fred's generals have taken the gems to their homeworlds. Your mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to journey to those worlds to retrieve the gems." 

"But how do we get there?" Cecilia asked. 

"We can use the Protowing," Hanpan said. "If it can do interdimensional travel, then it must be able to do interplanetary travel as well." 

"We'll take your word on it," Jack said. 

"Very well," Stoldark said. "This castle will self-destruct in approximately five seconds." 

"Let's scram," Jane said. 

Cecilia cast Escape and the party teleported outside the Elw Castle just as the castle exploded into a pile of rubble. In the rubble, Rudy spotted an ARM case and walked over to open it. "No!" Emiko said. "Don't open that case. It houses the forbidden ARM, the Death Song. The power of absolute destruction, the heartbeat of annihiliation. It was created by the rogue Elw alchemist John Tesh. We had to seal it up here to contain its terrifying power." 

"Hey, ARMs don't kill Elws; Elws kill Elws," Rudy argued as he opened the case and removed what appeared to be an ordinary CD player, albeit one with a large speaker on the bottom. 

Any further conversation was interrupted when the sky over the island rippled and then rolled back, leaving a gaping black hole. A second Protowing flew out of the hole, which then closed, and landed in front of the charred ruins of the Elw Castle. 

"All done," Professor Emma said, stepping out of the new Protowing. "This Protowing is capable of instantaneous travel to any dimension. I call it the Emma-Mobile." 

"That was fast," Hanpan said. "How many unfortunate souls did you sucker into helping you with this one?" Emma ignored the comment. 

"So now where do we go?" Jack asked. "Where are these other worlds?" 

"I wonder if your furry friend there knows anything," Emiko said. 

Jack looked down at the kobold, which he had been dragging along the whole time. "Woof! Kuromimi take you there, just let go of me!" 


	4. The Great Forest

Kobolds stopped in their daily business and looked up into the sky. A big red bird flew out of the sky and descended into the middle of the village. Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, Emiko, and Kuromimi got out. "This Kuromimi town. Woof," Kuromimi said. 

"Kuromimi!" Gon shouted, running into the town. "Dwarf come! Have big cannon!" 

"The dwarves?" Fu Su Lu said, walking out of the inn. "Why would the dwarves want to attack?" 

"I wonder if they're under the control of Angol Fred," Emiko mused. "He *is* the King of False Rumors, after all." 

The dwarves, led by the dwarf chief and Hanzo the ninja, burst into the kobold village. Jack hit the chief with Trump Card, while Jane shot a dwarf with her ARM. Hanzo threw a dagger at Rudy. Rudy retaliated with his Twin Orbs ARM, knocking Hanzo out. Fu Su Lu picked up the dwarf chief and slammed him into a tree. 

The fight was over quickly. The dwarves were no match for Rudy's party. "You have Clive weapon?" Kuromimi asked, looking at Rudy's ARM. 

"What?" Rudy asked. 

"He's talking about your ARM," Hanpan explainedd. "Sounds like there's somebody in this world with an ARM, too." 

The dwarf chief sat up, rubbing a bump on his head. "Where am I?" he asked. "What happened? Who are you people?" 

"Why dwarf come to Kuromimi village?" Kuromimi asked the dwarf. 

"I... I don't know," the chief said. "I don't remember a thing. The last thing I remember is stopping by Ledon's inn." 

"He's up to his old tricks again, I see," Fu Su Lu grunted. 

Hanzo came to. "W-what happened?" he said. 

"Someone's been controlling you," Hanpan said. 

"Yuber!" Hanzo hissed. "I should have known better than to trust that..." 

"Who's Yuber?" Cecilia asked. 

"The Black Knight," Hanzo explained. "Of the former Red Moon Empire. He came to Rokkaku and just asked to stay the night. I thought something was odd, especially because he had Ain Gide with him, and Ain Gide's dead." 

"But you can't get even _get_ to Rokkaku," the dwarf chief said. 

"As I said, I thought something was odd," Hanzo said. 

"This sounds like Angol Fred's work," Emiko commented to the party. "Dead people being brought back, getting to inaccesible places... this could only be the work of the King of False Rumors." 

"If you're looking for Yuber, talk to Pesmerga," Fu Su Lu said to Rudy. "He's sworn to kill him and he's bound to known where Yuber is." 

"I'll come with you," Hanzo offered. "Yuber's not going to pull those kind of tricks and live to tell about it." 

"Kuromimi come too!" Kuromimi said. 

*** * ***

Zed kicked on the door of the closet. "HELP!" he shouted, growing desperate. 

*** * ***

"Of course I know where Yuber is," Pesmerga said in the inn in Rikon. "That's not the question. The question is where Stallion is." 

"Care to elaborate on that?" Jack asked. 

"We need Stallion's True Holy Rune to operate the portal to the past in the temple of Qlon. Yuber's sort of vanished, so the only way to find him is to travel into the past. See, to find Yuber, we need three things. First, we all need to be at least 67 or higher, or so I've heard." 

"Check," Jane said. "How about you?" 

"That's what Clive," Pesmerga nodded towards the gray-cloaked figure with an ARM standing in the corner, "and I have been doing. We've finally reached level 67. Next, we all need a True Rune." 

"Is this a True Rune?" Cecilia asked, looking at the Chrono Rune. 

Pesmerga took it. "What kind of rune is this?" 

"Yeah, it's a True Rune," Hanpan said, answering Cecilia's question. 

Pesmerga shrugged and handed it back. "And, finally, we need to have Stallion along. That's the tricky one." 

"What's so hard about that?" Hanzo said. "We find him, ask him to come with us, and if he doesn't, we use force." 

"Because there's no way to find him," Pesmerga explained. "Oh, we know where he is. But there's no way to get to him. Believe me. I've tried everything." 

"Where is he?" 

"Upstairs in the item shop in the Great Forest." 


	5. Windy

Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Emiko, Jane, Pesmerga, Clive, Hanzo, and Kuromimi entered the item shop in the Great Forest. "This is the place," Pesmerga said. 

Rudy started to walk towards the stairs. "Excuse me," the owner of the shop said. "You can't go up there." 

"We've got ARMs, Fast Draw, magic, a wind rat, and a ninja, but we can't get by an unarmed shopkeeper," Jane said. 

Emiko tried to cast Sleep on the shopkeeper, but nothing happened. Clive fired his Tempest ARM, but the bullets just bounced off the shopkeeper. Pesmerga raised his sword and marched towards the stairs. The shopkeeper remained in front of him, unflinching. 

Jack ran towards the stairs. The shopkeeper moved to get in his way. Jack swung his sword, but the shopkeeper stood still in front of him. 

Suddenly, Hanpan shot out from Jack's coat and bolted by the innkeeper. "Hey!" the innkeeper said, grabbing for Hanpan. Hanpan flew through his hands and darted up the steps. 

"Go, Hanpan, go!" Jack shouted. 

Hanpan hurried up the steps to the upper floor. Stallion, Kirkis, Rubi, and Sylvina were playing poker with Ted, Windy, and Odessa. Having failed to get the Soul Eater any other way, Windy was now trying to win it at cards. 

Hanpan scurried up behind the elves. Kirkis had a length of rope in his belt. Just what he needed. The wind rat stealthily crawled up next to Kirkis's leg and put his front paws on the rope. Slowly, he eased it out of Kirkis's belt and ran for the window. 

"Huh?" Kirkis said, turning. 

"Hey, somebody got up the stairs," Ted said. "How did that happen?" 

Hanpan grabbed onto the latch on the side of the window and dragged it open, hovering in the air. Then he tossed the rope outside. In a few seconds, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, and the rest of the party were climbing up. 

"That's my work for the adventure," Hanpan said, hopping back onto Jack's shoulder. 

"You!" Windy shouted at Pesmerga, Clive, and Kuromimi. "How did you get up here?" Windy cast Final Flame just as Cecilia used Hi-Reflect. The spell bounced off the barrier and back at Windy, but Windy had previously cast a Suction spell and the magic was absorbed. 

Clive fired his ARM at Windy. Windy used Clay Guardian and the bullets bounced harmlessly off her. "Whose side are we on here?" Kirkis asked Stallion. 

"I had such a good hand, too," Stallion said, staring at his cards. 

"I thought Ted and Odessa were dead," Pesmerga said. 

"That's the power of Angol Fred and the false rumor for you," Emiko said. 

Windy looked around and saw herself several outnumbered. "Milich!" she shouted. "Krin!" 

A blue circle appeared on the floor and Milich and Krin came out. "Yes, Lady Windy?" Milich asked. 

"Hee hee hee," Krin said. 

"Get them!" Windy commanded, pointing at Rudy, Pesmerga, and the others. 

Ted cast Black Shadow with the Soul Eater. A black dome rose up from the floor and knocked Kirkis, Sylvina, Stallion, and Rubi into the wall. Odessa fired at Emiko with her bow and hit the Elw in his arm. Jane shot at Windy with her ARM, but Windy dodged out of the way. 

"Go get 'em, Krin!" Ted said, grabbing the thief and throwing him towards Pesmerga. Pesmerga swung his sword and hit Krin on the side as he barreled towards Pesmerga. Krin smashed through the window and flew out into the air. 

Windy cast Thunder God, but Cecilia whipped out the Magic Parasol and absorbed the spell. Windy tried to grab the parasol from Cecilia's hands, but Rudy shot her with the Phaser and knocked her to the ground. 

Kuromimi leaped towards Milich, holding his sword aloft. Milich parried the blow and stepped back. Kirkis shot an arrow at Milich. The shaft hit him directly in the heart and he fell down, dead. "I never liked him, anyway," Kirkis remarked. 

Windy scrambled to her feet. "Do something!" she shrieked at Ted and Odessa. Odessa cast Storm with her Wind Rune, wounding Jack and Clive. Ted raised his hand to use the Soul Eater just as Rudy tried to summon Zephyr from the Hope Rune. A grayish bolt of lighting shot between the two runes and there was a crackling sound. A blue-gray portal opened and a ghostly dragon stepped out. 

It was Black, Futch's dragon. "Thought you'd seen the last of me, eh?" Black said. The black dragon bent over and swallowed Windy in a single gulp. "Mmm mmm good!" Then there was another crackling sound and Black faded out of existence. 

Ted and Odessa threw down their bows in surrender. "Well, that was a nice little fight," Clive said, rubbing his injured side. 

"It's not over yet!" Milich said, springing to his feet. "Now I'll reveal my true identity!" The ex-general threw off his red cloak and mask. 

It was Voldo from Soul Blade. "Milich is Voldo?" Hanpan said, surprised. Voldo made a strange noise, jumped across the room, and slashed at Stallion with his claws. 

Rubi drew a dagger, but Voldo batted out of his hand, jumped on the elf's back, and drove his claws into the elf's shoulders. Suddenly, the roof shattered and a figure dropped down through the collapsing boards and smoke. It was Tanegashima. 

"You!" Voldo shouted, ceasing his attack on the elves and striding forward. Sometime before his Milich days, Voldo had regained his voice, and apparently his sight and hearing as well. 

Tanegashima fired his ARM at Voldo. Voldo dodged out of the way of the attack and used his Critical Edge. Tanegashima blocked it and fired again. This time he hit Voldo in the hip and he dropped to one knee. "You haven't seen the last of me," Voldo/Milich vowed, then vanished. 

Tanegashima jumped back up through the shattered roof in pursuit of Voldo. "Hey... wait!" Clive said, but Tanegashima had already disappeared. 

"This was... interesting," Kirkis said. 

"Why were you fighting against us?" Hanzo asked Ted and Odessa. "I thought you used to be on our side." 

"Uh... now that you mention it, I don't have a clue," Ted said. "All I remember is that I was dead, and then this Angol Fred guy came and did something to me. Then I don't remember anything until just now." 

"Well, now that all this has been resolved, we need your help, Stallion," Pesmerga said. "We need you to come with us to find Yuber." 

"What's in it for me?" Stallion asked. 

"Uh...," Pesmerga thought for a moment. "Money? Fame? Shoe endorsement deals?" 

"Sounds good to me," Stallion said. "When do we leave?" 


	6. Yesterday Never Dies

The party sat back at the inn in Kobold Village, tending to their injuries. "When do we leave for Qlon?" Stallion asked. 

"I'm ready to go," Pesmerga said. 

"Emiko's arm is still wounded," Cecilia said. 

"That's okay," Pesmerga said. "Only six of us can go along anyway. Me, Stallion," Pesmerga stopped, waiting for other responses. 

"I'm coming," Hanzo said from the corner of the room. 

"I can't," Clive sighed. "I'm still a little under the weather. You should take Rudy, though. We'll need his ARMs." 

"That's four," Pesmerga said. "Who else?" 

"Kuromimi come!" the kobold shouted, jumping up. 

"Sure, I guess I'll come," Jane volunteered. 

"All right, there's our six," Pesmerga said. "Shall we be off?" 

*** * ***

It was getting hot inside the closet. Zed tried desperately to force the door open, but met with no success. 

*** * ***

Rudy, Pesmerga, Jane, Hanzo, Kuromimi, and Stallion entered the caves under Qlon and proceeded to the final cave where the Star Dragon Sword had been. Standing in the room were two figures: Sansuke the bathmaker and Antonio the cook. "What are you two doing here?" Stallion asked. 

"We're General Yuber's personal bodyguards," Sansuke said. 

"You?" Pesmerga said. "Don't make me laugh. You couldn't hit a dead rhinocerous at two feet!" 

"Oh yeah?" Sansuke said, reaching into his tunic and pulling out a chainsaw. Antonio lifted up his chef's hat and whipped out the uzi that he had stored underneath. 

"Uh-oh," Hanzo said. 

Pesmerga, Kuromimi, and Stallion ducked behind rocks as Antonio started firing his uzi madly around the cave. Hanzo hit the floor and Rudy tackled Jane. "Let go of me, you idiot!" Jane yelled, crawling across the room to hide behind a stalagmite. 

"Stews!" Antonio ranted, still firing madly. "They made me cook stews! That's all I ever did! No more! I'll show them! Mwah ha ha!" 

"Antonio's gone postal!" Pesmerga observed. 

Stallion pulled an arrow from his quiver, raised it to his bow, and ducked out from behind a rock to take a shot at Antonio. A bullet zipped just over his head, cutting a path through his hair. Stallion crawled back behind the rock. 

Antonio rushed towards Rudy and Hanzo, waving his uzi in the air. Hanzo got to his knees and threw a shuriken at Antonio. It hit the cook in the thigh, but he kept advancing, spraying the cave with bullets. Sansuke rushed down from the pedestal, armed with his chainsaw. 

Rudy raised the Arch Smash to fire, but Sansuke bore down on him, waving the chainsaw and laughing insanely. Kuromimi clobbered the bathmaker on the back of his head with the hilt of his sword and knocked him out. 

Hanzo leaped towards Antonio and grabbed onto his uzi. The ninja forced the barrel of the uzi up and away from his companions. Antonio tried to kick Hanzo away, and, failing that, drew a meat cleaver. Jane shot the meat cleaver with her ARM and knocked it flying from Antonio's hand. It buried itself in the wall. Hanzo knocked Antonio unconscious with a punch to the forehead and dropped him on the ground. "Let's just leave these two here," he said. "Hopefully we'll be gone before they wake up." 

"We might want to take their weapons, though," Jane said, picking up the chainsaw and uzi and placing them with her Hand Cannon ARM. 

Stallion walked up to the pedestal. The True Holy Rune started glowing. There was a sudden flash of light and a portal opened over the pedestal, sucking the six in. 

They landed in the Gate Village in the past. "Hey," Stallion said. "My rune's gone." 

"I've got it now!" a voice said from the other side of the village. Stallion turned. The Black Knight Yuber was standing near the water, holding the rune and his sword aloft. 

"Yuber!" Pesmerga said, drawing his sword. He raced towards his foe, followed by the rest of the party. 

Yuber raised his right hand, on which he had the True Holy Rune. A figure dropped down from the sky. It was Ross Perot, flying with his ears. Perot landed between the party and Yuber. "Hi, I'm Ross Perot," Perot said, setting up an easel with a stack of graphs on it. 

"Oops," Yuber said, waving his hand. There was a giant sucking sound as Ross Perot flew down to Mexico. "I'm new to this summoning stuff," he explained. "How do I get more Force again?" 

"When somebody hits you!" Pesmerga shouted, clobbering Yuber over the head with his sword. The knight reeled backwards and fell into the water. His sword slipped out of his hand. 

"That was too easy," Rudy said. "But where's the gem?" 

Yuber took a deep gulp of the water. "Now I've drunken the water from the Gate Village!" he thundered, rising to his feet in a reddish aura with his arms held up and out to the sides. "Do you know what this means?" 

"Touchdown?" Jane asked. 

"It means I am Neo-Yuber!" Yuber said. "And I will destroy you!" Yuber threw a bolt of energy at Pesmerga, but Pesmerga dodged aside. 

Rudy drew his sword, but Yuber had the Gem of Courage, and, since Rudy's sword was really the Guardian Luceid, it flew out of his hands and turned on him. Rudy ducked the flying blade as it whistled through the air towards him, then turned around and came back for another pass. 

Pesmerga ran towards Yuber, his sword raised above his head. Yuber parried Pesmerga's strike and then put him in a headlock. Jane took out her Chainsaw ARM and started sawing through Yuber's armor. The chainsaw made a hideous noise as it cut through Yuber's armor near the left shoulder, spraying out sparks. 

Yuber let go of Pesmerga and hit Jane with a mighty punch, knocking her out. Pesmerga scrambled to his feet and bashed Yuber's helmet with his sword Death Crimson. Yuber stumbled backwards, but jabbed Pesmerga in the right arm with his own sword. Pesmerga used his Clone Rune and charged forward, smashing Yuber in the chest as he swung his sword with both hands. Yuber fell to the ground and his helmet rolled off. 

"Huh... what?" Yuber said, blinking and shaking his head. "Where am I?" 

"Well, what do you know," Stallion said. "Yuber wasn't a bad guy at all; he was just under Angol Fred's control." 

"Gosh gee wilickers," Hanzo said sarcastically. "What a surprise." 

"Gem," Kuromimi said. "Yuber have gem?" 

"Gem?" Yuber said, still confused. "Yeah, uh, right here." Yuber handed the blue Gem of Courage to Kuromimi. The kobold put in his mouth, then spit it out. 

"No gem taste good," he announced. 

Rudy picked up the gem and pocketed it. "Well, I think we're all done here," he said. "Let's head back to Kobold Village." 

*** * ***

Meanwhile, back at Kobold Village... 

"Where's Rudy?" Jack wondered. "You'd think he would have been back already. That careless kid must have lost the gem." 

From outside, there was the sound of several sets of approaching feet. "That must be them," Cecilia said, getting up and opening the door. 

It was not. It was Aerith, Bakusa the imp, and a score of Chocobos, controlled by Aerith's Control Chocobo Materia. "What...?" Cecilia said. "Who are you?" 

"We know you have the gem," Aerith said. 

"No, we don't -" Cecilia started to say. 

"You!" Clive shouted, jumping to his feet and pointing his shotgun at Aerith. "I knew you weren't dead! Thought you'd gotten away from me? Your tricks didn't fool me!" Clive pulled off his hood. 

"Rufus!" Aerith exclaimed. 

"That's right," Rufus Shinra said. "Now hand over that Chocobo Control Materia." 

The Chocobos -- a mix of all the different colored breeds -- charged towards Rufus. A Fat Chocobo jumped into the air, attempting to land on Rufus. Rufus fired his shotgun at the Chocobos, hitting a Green Chocobo and nicking another on the leg. 

"What's going on here?" Emiko asked. 

"It looks like a bunch of Chocobos attacking Rufus," Hanpan said. 

"Who's Rufus?" Jack asked. Hanpan pointed at Clive / Rufus. 

There was a shout as Rudy's party ran up behind Aerith, Bakusa, and the Chocobos. Jane drew her uzi ARM and started firing. The Chocobos fled squawking. "What are those giant birds?" Stallion asked as they approached the inn. 

Aerith and Bakusa looked around at the two armed parties approaching them. A white beam sprung up around them and the Chocobos and they vanished. "Who was that?" Rudy asked Jack and Cecilia. 

"Did you get the gem?" Emiko asked, ignoring the question. 

Rudy handed it to him. "Covered in kobold saliva, but here it is." Emiko wiped it on his robe and pocketed it. 

"We have one of the gems now," Emiko said. "The other two must be on different worlds." 

"I knew she wasn't dead," Rufus was muttering, pacing the room. 

"Did you say someone wasn't dead?" Hanpan asked. "That sounds like Angol Fred's work to me." 

"Great, let's go," Rufus said, dragging Jack towards the door. "We'll take your plane." 

"Could somebody please explain what the heck is going on here?" Jane shouted. 

"I think we're going to look for one of the gems," Pesmerga said, confused himself. 

"You're coming with us?" Emiko asked. 

"I want to find out who's behind all this," Pesmerga explained. "Yuber was just being controlled by somebody else." 

"Kuromimi no go," the kobold announced. "This Kuromimi home. Kuromimi not need gem. Not taste good." 

"If you'll excuse me, I'll stay here as well," Stallion said. "I've served my purpose." 

"Good, let's go," Rufus said, pulling Jack out the door. Hanpan fell from Jack's shoulder and ran along the ground after him. 

The group, now including Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, and Rufus, ran for the second Protowing, which was still parked in Kobold Village. "I still don't know what's going on," Jane protested. 

"We're looking for another one of the gems," Cecilia explained. "Apparently Rufus knows where it is." 

Rufus jumped into the cockpit of the Protowing. "I'll drive," he said. "Let's hurry." 

"Do you know how to fly this?" Jack asked. 

"I'll figure it out," Rufus said, turning the ignition. The Protowing lifted into the air and soared into the sky, leaving the world of Lake Toran and its environs far behind. 


	7. The Wall Market

"Do you hear something?" Cait Sith asked. 

"It sounds like 'helphelphelphelpweregonnadieohnoooooooooo!'" Red XIII replied. "Why do you ask?" 

"Never mind," Cait Sith said as a red plane streaked across the sky and crashed outside Midgar. 

*** * ***

"'I'll figure it out,'" Jack said sarcastically. "Thanks a lot. I've probably broken every bone in my body." The ex-Fenril Knight dragged himself out from under a broken wing of the Protowing. 

"Hey, it was an accident," Rufus said. "It won't happen again." 

"No, it won't," Jack said. "Because I'm never letting you fly that plane again." 

"I don't think anybody's going to be flying it again," Cecilia said, staring at the pile of smoking rubble. 

"I want to know what we're doing right now," Jane insisted. "Who are you, for one thing?" she asked Rufus. 

"Rufus Shinra," Rufus introduced himself with a bow. "President of Shinra Electric Power Company. "Welcome to Midgar City." Rufus gestured towards the city of Midgar. The group was standing outside the gate to Area 5. 

Jack looked at the city. "We're not in Kansas anymore, are we, Hanpan?" he said. 

Rufus reached into his coat and took out the Key to Area 5. Glancing to the side, he noticed a woodchuck watching him from a hole. "I know that's you, Reeve," he said. 

"Curses," the woodchuck said. "Foiled again." The woodchuck disappeared under the ground. 

Rufus opened the gate to Midgar and the group entered. Cloud, Barret, and Tifa were waiting for him. "What's going on here, Rufus?" Cloud asked. "You're dead." 

"Not exactly," Rufus said. 

"Are you undead or something?" 

"Not exactly," Rufus replied. 

"So you weren't killed by the Diamond Weapon?" 

Rufus looked impatiently around. "Not exactly." 

"Are you a member of Hertz #1 Club Gold?" 

"Not exactly." 

Seeing the discussion was going nowhere, Cloud cast Ultima. The force of the spell knocked Rufus and the rest of the party to the ground, but they promptly got back up. "How did you do that?" Barret asked. 

Jack held out a small white furry figurine. "Goat dolls," he said. 

"Hey," Tifa said. "Who are you people?" 

"I'm Jane Maxwell," Jane said. "You might know me as 'Calamity Jane.'" 

"No," Cloud said bluntly. "I don't." 

"And these are my friends," Jane said. "Rudy Roughnight, Jack Van Burace, Cecilia Adlehyde, Emiko the Elw, Hanpan, and Pesmerga." 

"Wha' exactly are you doing here, Rufus?" Barret asked suspiciously. 

"I have to talk to the General," Rufus explained. "I need an Underwater Breath Materia. See, I'm trying to get the Ragu Ragla Summon Materia that's hidden in the secret Cetra temple on a volcanic island. I was to trying to get into the temple from the land with a lava-walking Red Chocobo, but to capture one of those, I'd need the Chocobo Control Materia, but Aerith has the only one of those and she's in the temple. Oh, and incidentally, she's not dead. So now I need an Underwater Breath Materia from the General to enter the volcano from the sea." 

Cloud and Barret exchanged a quick look. "Well?" Cloud said to Barret. 

"Dunno," Barret said. "It sounds like the work of Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors, to me." 

"Angol Fred?" Emiko said quickly. "You know who he is?" 

"I've heard of him," Barret said cautiously. 

"We're chasing him," Emiko explained. "He's stolen the three gems from the Guardian Amulet. We've got one of them back, but this Aerith has another one." 

Suddenly, Red XIII bounded up from behind Cloud, Barret, and Tifa. "Emiko?" he said. "Is that you?" 

"Nanaki!" Emiko exclaimed. "Long time no see!" 

"You two know each other?" Cloud asked. 

"Yes," Red XIII replied. "You can trust them. They don't mean any harm." 

"Well, all right..." Cloud said reluctantly. He moved aside to allow Rufus and the rest of the party to enter Midgar. 

*** * ***

The General looked up as the party barged into his sick friend's tube home. "You're here for the Underwater Breath Materia, aren't you?" the General said. "Well, I don't have it." 

"What?" Rufus exclaimed. 

"Read my lips: NO MORE MATERIA," the General said. "Now will you kindly remove yourself from this building?" 

"What happened to it?" Hanpan asked. "The Materia, I mean." 

"I sold it to a guy at the Wall Market," the General said. "I'm sick of people barging in here and asking to care for my friend just so they can get the materia. You're the fourth group that came by today." 

"The Wall Market," Rufus repeated. "Come on, let's hurry. We've got to get that Materia before anybody else does." 

*** * ***

Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Red XIII, Cait Sith, Cid, Vincent, and Yuffie strolled through the Wall Market in Midgar. While Sephiroth had been defeated, there was still the matter of those two Weapons to deal with... and Cloud's party wasn't quite strong enough to defeat them yet. 

"Attention all shoppers," a voice announced. "There is a blue light special on Green Materia in the northwest corner." 

"If you'll excuse me for a moment..." Red XII said, bounding off to the northwest. 

Rufus, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Emiko, Jane, and Pesmerga approached Cloud's party. "You wouldn't have seen anybody selling an Underwater Breath Materia, would you have?" Rufus asked. 

"Sure we did," Cait Sith replied from atop his moogle. "In fact, I even bought it from him." 

"We need that Materia, Reeve," Rufus said. "Can I borrow it?" 

"What's in it for me?" 

"What?" Rufus exclaimed, stepping towards Cait Sith. "Give me the Materia!" 

"What's the big deal about this Underwater Breath Materia anyway?" Vincent asked. 

"I need it to get into the secret Cetra temple where the Ragu Ragla Summon Materia is," Rufus said. 

"You want to summon some spaghetti sauce?" Cait Sith blurted. 

"Ragu Ragla is the King of Monsters, idiot," Hanpan said from Jack's shoulder. 

"Hey, that's a really cool pet," Cait Sith said. 

An angered look came over Hanpan's face. He flew from Jack's shoulder over to the shoulders of Cait's moogle. The wind rat ripped the megaphone from Cait Sith's hands and held it up to the cat's ear. "I'M NOT A PET!" he yelled through it. 

Cait Sith reeled backwards and fell off his moogle. "Sorry," he apologized. "I just thought it was a cool to see a talking rat." 

"I thought it was cool to see a talking cat." Hanpan mimicked, still on top of the golem. 

"These discussions are getting us nowhere," Pesmerga said to the rest of the party. "Should we try brute force?" 

"How 'bout a cat fight?" Jack suggested. He held up the Chrono Rune and used Summon Guardian. Dan Dairam dropped from the sky and landed between Cait Sith's moogle and the cat. 

"There it is!" Cait Sith exclaimed. "I was wondering what happened to it." 

"What the @#! are you talking about?" Cid asked. 

"That was an early version of Cait Sith," Cait Sith explained, switching into Reeve's voice. "But something went wrong and it got away. It vanished, so I never worried about it." 

Dan Dairam did a little dance and a glowing green ball appeared at his feet. The cat Guardian kicked it at Cait Sith. A green field of electricity engulfed Cait Sith temporarily, then vanished in a pale green cloud of smoke. Dan Dairam squeaked and disappeared back into the sky. 

"What did you do to him?" Tifa asked, looking down at Cait Sith. 

"He's been cursed," Emiko said clinically. "I hadn't exactly expected Dan Dairam to do that." 

Cait Sith got to his feet, took a few steps towards his moogle, and fell down. "You must still be feeling a little woozy," Barret said. 

"Hey, if we get this cat here uncursed for you, then will you give us that Materia thingy?" Jane asked. 

"That seems fair," Cloud agreed. 

"Well, all we have to do is take him to a church," Jane explained. "That's usually what you have to do in games." 

"There's a church in the Area 5 slums," Barret said to Cloud. Cloud nodded. 

*** * ***

Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Cid, Cait Sith, Vincent, Yuffie, and Red XIII entered the church. Red XIII had caught up with the party en route to Area 5 and rejoined. 

As the party entered, something on the far end of the church caught Cloud's eye. It was the ghostly figure of Sephiroth, which flickered briefly, then vanished. "Was that Sephiroth?" he asked. 

"It looked like him..." Vincent said cautiously. 

Cid swore. "I thought we killed that $@!@#," he said. 

"Now, what do we do with the cat?" Barret asked. 

Wordlessly, Pesmerga pointed at a chute on the side of the building with a neon sign over it. The sign read "DISPEL CURSES HERE." 

"Nah," Jane said. "That couldn't be it." 

Cait Sith climbed into the chute and closed the hatch that covered it. The cat slid down a long tube. There were a spinning and clunking sound. Several minutes later, Cait Sith shot back out of the hatch. His fur was standing straight up and he was dripping water, but the green glow was gone. He staggered dizzily back to rejoin the group. 

"All right, we've done our part of the bargain," Jack said. "Now where's the Materia?" 

"Reeve has it," Cait Sith replied it. "It's over in the Shinra Building." 

*** * ***

Cait Sith led the group into Reeve's office in the Shinra Building. The cat shuffled through some papers on the desk, looking for the Underwater Breath Materia. "I know it's around here somewhere," he muttered. 

"Hey," Jack said. "Is that a Zip drive on your desk?" 

"By the way," Vincent said, looking around. "Where's Yuffie gone to?" 

"Yuffie?" Cait Sith repeated. "Oh no!" The cat hopped onto his moogle as Cid burst into a fresh string of curses. "Get moving!" Cait shouted at the moogle through his megaphone. Cait Sith charged out of the office and down the stairs, pursued by the rest of the party. 

"Where are we going?" Cecilia asked. 

"Yuffie's got the Underwater Breath Materia!" Cloud yelled. The party dashed out of the Shinra Building and looked around for the thief. 

"I don't see her," Tifa said, looking around. "Where do you think she went?" 

"She probably tried to escape into the water with the Underwater Breath Materia," Red XIII said. "Fortunately, we have a submarine." 

The party walked quickly out of Midgar and jumped onto the Highwind. Cid grabbed the controls and flew to Junon, where the submarine was parked. 

The Highwind flew low in the sky as it approached towards the coast of Junon. The submarine was parked just offshore... or at least it had been. The vehicle was in flames and was sinking rapidly. 

Cid swore again. "There goes the @#!in' submarine," he said. 

Two figures were standing on the beach near the submarine. From a distance, they looked remarkably similar to Cloud and Barret. Cid flew the Highwind in for a closer look. 

One of the people was a younger version of Cloud. The other one looked identical to Barret... except for its glowing red eyes. It was Garret, his evil twin. Standing in front of them was Bakusa the imp. The trio was watching the submarine sink with satisfaction. 

P-Cloud looked up as the Highwind approached them. "We'd better hit the road," he said. 

"Who are you?" Cait Sith shouted down with his megaphone. 

"The General sent me," Bakusa said. "General Aerith, that is." The imp then cast Escape and the three vanished. 

Rudy looked down at the sinking submarine. "Now what are we going to do?" he wondered. 


	8. Yuffie Must Die!

_First there was Zeromus... then Kefka... and Sephiroth... but nothing has prepared the universe for the evil that is YUFFIE!_

"We need another submarine," Red XIII said calmly. 

"But where are we gonna get one?" Jane asked. 

"Emma?" Cecilia suggested. 

"The Protowing's totalled, remember?" Jane said. "We can't get back to Filgaia." 

"I can have it all @#$in' fixed up," Cid said. "You youngsters just leave it to me." 

*** * ***

Bartholomew and one of his crew members descended below deck on the Sweet Candy. "I thought I heard somebody shouting down here," the sailor said. "It sounded like 'Help!'" 

Bartholomew looked around the hall and checked each of the rooms. "I don't see anything," he said. He and the sailor went back above deck. Zed called desperately after them, but neither of them heard him. 

*** * ***

"It looks brand @#@#in' new," Cid said, staring at the Protowing. 

"Thanks," Rudy said. "We won't take too long." He, Jack, Cecilia, Emiko, and Jane climbed in the vehicle and took off back to Filgaia. They landed the Protowing at Adlehyde and went in to talk to Emma. 

"A submarine?" Emma asked. "That doesn't sound too difficult, not for someone like me. I'll get right to work. You, mousey, give me a hand." 

*** * ***

The next day, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Emiko, and Jane filed into Emma's secret laboratory. "Here we are," Emma said. 

"That looks like the Protowing to me," Jack said. 

"Of course it is," Hanpan said to him. "We've turned it into a combination submarine and airplane. Now you can fly it back to Midgar and chase Yuffie. It wouldn't do to have a submarine that couldn't get off Filgaia, would it?" 

"All right, all right, don't rub it in," Jack said. 

*** * ***

The Protowing arrived back at Midgar City. Rudy and the group got out. Rufus's party was waiting for them. "Back already?" Pesmerga asked. 

"We've got a new submarine," Emiko said. "Right here." 

"Good, let's go fold, spindle, and mutilate Yuffie," Cait Sith said. "I never liked her anyways." 

The whole group -- Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Cait Sith and his moogle, Red XIII, Cid, and Vincent -- climbed into the Protowing, which had a remarkable seating capacity. Rudy took the controls and flew the Protowing out over the water. He slowly descended until he was as close to the water as possible, then pushed a big red button on the Protowing's control panel. The wings of the Protowing folded in as it descended into the water. A periscope emerged from the top of the vehicle and the back fins opened up to reveal propellers. 

"I have to go to the bathroom," Cait Sith complained. 

"You should have taken care of that before we left," Red XIII said. 

The Protowing-sub dived further down into the ocean. "Where do you suppose Yuffie's gone?" Cloud wondered aloud. 

A turtle swam up next to the sub and landed on the windshield. It crawled up and down on the windshield in front of Rudy. When Rudy looked at it, the turtle started crawling in elaborate patterns. 

"It's spelling something out," Red XIII said. 

"LET... ME... IN..." Rudy read. "That's some turtle!" 

"Pretty @#~!in' impressive," Cid agreed. 

"Do you think we should let in it?" Pesmerga asked. 

Barret shrugged. "What harm can it do?" He went to the airlock and opened the door. The turtle quickly swam inside the submarine and Barret slid the door shut again. 

"Thanks for letting me in," the turtle said. "I'm lost." 

"You can talk?" Barret was shocked. 

"What is it with you people?" Hanpan asked. "Every time something other than a human talks, you all say 'You can talk?'." 

"I know what you mean," Red XIII agreed. 

"I'm Sage Ghido," the turtle greeted them. "I got sucked into the mu, but I managed to escape. Unfortunately, I don't have the slighest clue where I am." 

"I'm sorry to hear," Tifa said. "We could get you a little tank, if you'd like. How about some turtle food?" 

"Why, thank you," Ghido said. "Is there anything I can do for you?" 

"Have you ever heard of anyone named Yuffie Kisaragi?" Rufus asked. 

"Yuffie? I ordered something once from her mail-order video game store, Yuffie Cave, once. Boy, was that ever a mistake. Why do you ask?" 

"She's stolen our Underwater Breath Materia," Rufus replied. "We're trying to get it back." 

"More power to you," Ghido said. "You know, now that I think about it, I think Yuffie Cave's headquarters was located underwater somewhere." 

"That's probably where she is right now," Emiko said. "There can't be that many underwater caves. Let's start looking." 

The group started combing the ocean floor in the sub, making slow passes back and forth across the sea bottom. They closely examined every outcropping of rock, but found nothing. Eventually, as they were passing near the legs of the chocobo continent, Cecilia broke the silence. "There's a cave," she said, pointing at a rounded fracture on the side of an underwater ravine. 

Rudy piloted the sub into the ravine for a closer look. Indeed, it was a cave. He drove the sub as close as he could to the cave. Just visible inside the gloomy opening was a heavy steel door. "That's got to be it," Vincent agreed. 

The party put on diving suits to exit the submarine. Emma had even provided a tiny, rat-sized, suit for Hanpan. Cait Sith had to leave his moogle behind, however, as it was too big to fit into a diving suit. Jane also grabbed the Harpoon Gun ARM sitting in the closet. Cloud slid open the submarine door and the group swam out and into the the mouth of the cave. 

Red XIII knocked on the steel door blocking the cave. There was no response. "Don't worry," Jane said. "I have the special key." She swam back to the sub and returned pushing a huge bomb that was bigger than she was. "Stand back," she cautioned. Jane rolled the bomb up alongside the door and then swam a safe distance back. Cautiously, she fired at the bomb with her Harpoon Gun ARM. The bomb exploded brilliantly, destroying not only the door but carving a large crater into the side of the ravine as well. Water rushed into the cave mouth. "Bombs are beautiful," Jane said, pleased with her work. 

The group swam into the cave, which was rapidly flooding. "What's going on out there?" Yuffie asked, running up to the entrance from further inside the cave. "YOU!" she exclaimed, seeing the party. 

"Hand over the Underwater Breath Materia," Rufus said, pointing his shotgun at Yuffie. 

"No way," Yuffie said. She looked back into Yuffie Cave. "You've ruined all my merchandise!" she complained. 

"Tough," Rufus said. "Now give me the Materia or you'll suffer a similar fate." 

"No," Yuffie said adamantly. She retreated a few steps into the cave and picked up the Conformer. 

"Surely you're not doing to fight against all of us, are you?" Rufus said, gesturing towards the rest of the party. 

"Of course I am," Yuffie said. "And stop calling me Shirley." 

"We'll buy it from you," Vincent offered. 

"Shut up, Vincent," Rufus snapped. 

"Okay," Yuffie agreed. "I'll sell it for, say, 20 million gil." 

"20 million gil?" Rufus yelled. "Are you insane?" 

"I think we know the answer to that question," Jack said. 

"That's got to be at least three times what it's actually worth!" Rufus shouted, waving his shotgun at Yuffie. "I'm not going any higher than 10 million." 

"It's on sale, actually. It's a 40 million gil value. But the customers are always the first priority at Yuffie Cave," Yuffie mused. "We'll comprise. 19 million gil." 

"15 million," Rufus countered. 

"Nineteen," Yuffie said. 

"Fifteen!" 

"Nineteen!" 

"Fifteen!" 

"Nineteen!" 

"Fifteen!" 

"Nineteen!" 

"Nineteen!" Rufus said. 

"Fifteen!" Yuffie said. 

"Deal!" Rufus exclaimed, grabbing Yuffie's hand and shaking it. He then carefully wiped it on his diving suit. 

"Hey, wait a minute!" Yuffie said. "You tricked me!" 

"My condolences," Rufus said sarcastically. "I'm terribly, terribly, sorry. Fifteen million gil it is." 

"Well.... okay," Yuffie said. "I'll ship it to Midgar by overnight delivery. Oh, and take a free Yuffie Cave catalog with you." Yuffie shoved a catalog into Rufus's hand and darted back into the cave. 

The characters returned to the submarine. "Let's hope she follows through on that," Tifa said. 

Rufus idly examined the catalog Yuffie had given him as the submarine headed back to Midgar. "Look at this, she's selling a Flame Materia for 200,000 gil. The catalog makes it sound like it's one of the best Materia there is." 

*** * ***

_A week later..._

Rufus watched from his office as a delivery truck pulled up to the Shinra Building. "That better be the Materia," he muttered as a Shinra flunkie went down to pick up the package. Indeed it was. Rufus quickly tore open the box from Yuffie Cave. He removed the styrofoam peanuts and bubble wrap and took out the Materia Orb inside. 

It was broken. 

"That does it!" Rufus shouted, throwing the box down on the floor in frusteration. "Yuffie must die!" 

"Tar and feather her!" Reno suggested. 

"Crucify her!" Elena said. 

"Make her watch synchronized swimming!" Rude said. 

"Even I wouldn't go _that_ far," Rufus said. 

The door to Rufus's office and Sephiroth entered. "Sephiroth!" Rufus shouted, reaching for his shotgun. 

"Put that down," Sephiroth said, pointing the Masamune at Rufus's shotgun. "Despite my better judgment, I'm not going to hurt you." 

Rufus warily put down his shotgun. "Very good," Seph said. "Now, it seems to me you have a broken Materia." 

"Thank you so much for pointing that out," Rufus said. "I wouldn't have noticed." 

Sephiroth ignored that. "I'll fix it for you if you'll do me a favor." 

"What's that?" 

"It's something you do for somebody to be nice or helpful." 

"No, what's the favor?" 

"I want buy Junon from you," Sephiroth said. 

"What?" Rufus exclaimed. "Junon? Why?" 

"I want to turn it into a theme park," Sephiroth said simply, folding his arms. 

"You want to do WHAT?" Rufus said incredulously. 

"Jenova World," Sephiroth explained excitedly. "The Seph-iest place on Earth! Where a genetic experiment can be a genetic experiment! I've got it all planned out. There's a roller coaster ride through a Makou reactor, souvenier stands that sell Hojo's 100% Pure Makou Juice, and shooting galleries where you shoot at little models of that loser Cloud. And the Underwater Reactor will make a great ride, too." 

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," Rufus said. 

"So you're not interested?" Sephiroth asked, disappointed. 

"Of course not," Rufus said. "I don't trust you, Sephiroth." 

"The feelings are mutual." 

"Enough with the snide comments," Rufus said. "Are you going to fix the Materia or not?" 

"If you'll sell me Junon, it's a deal," Seph said. 

"Absolutely out of the question," Rufus said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms. 

"I'm disappointed in you, Rufus." 

"Are you under the mistaken impression that I care?" 

"Sir!" a Shinra soldier burst into the room, out of breath. "Aerith's troops have surrounded the city!" 


	9. The Chocobo That Ate Midgar

Rufus recovered from his momentary shock at the soldier's announcement. "What kind of troops?" he asked. 

"Chocobos," the soldier said. 

"You mean troops on chocobos?" Rufus said. 

"No. I mean chocobos." 

*** * ***

Pesmerga looked out the window of the inn in the Area 5 slums where the party was staying. "Uh... you'd better come and have a look at this," he said. Rudy ran to the window. A horde of chocobos of all colors and sizes was stampeding down the streets of Midgar, trampling buildings, citizens, vehicles, and anything else that stood in their path. 

"Holy @#!" Cid exclaimed. "What are those @#$in' birds doing in the city?" 

"Run for it, foo'!" Barret shouted, running out the back door of the inn. The rest of the party ran after him as the chocobos continued their relentless charge down the street. The birds rushed right through the inn, bashing holes through the walls. The entire building collapsed in a pile of smoke and boards. 

*** * ***

"Mobilize the army!" Rufus commanded. "Hurry!" 

"I've seen a flood and a supernova  
But there's nothing else quite like Jenova  
I've traveled the world from end to end  
And Jenova World's the Seph-iest place in the land  
Jeno-o-ova Wor-r-ld~!" Sephiroth was singing. 

"That's the worst song I've ever heard in my life," Rufus said. Then a thought occured to him. "Come with me." The president of Shinra raced out the door to the elevator. Sephiroth followed him. 

*** * ***

"Look out!" Rudy shouted at a citizen of Midgar as the party charged down the street. "Chocobo stampede!" 

The Chocobos thundered across Area 5, leaving nothing but rubble in their wake. Cloud summoned the Knights of the Round, but the chocobos trampled right over the knights, crushing them. Rudy fired the Arch Smash at the chocobos. The blast killed several of them, but the tide of rampaging birds was endless. 

The chocobos stopped their onslaught momentarily when they discovered a shop carrying chocobo feed and ransacked it mercilessly. After eating every scrap of chocobo feed, they continued their relentless stampede. 

The chocobos charged across a car, crushing it, and thundered towards the party. The party continued to run from the chocobos, but the birds were gaining around. As they turned a corner, they suddenly found themselves staring at a high brick wall. 

*** * ***

"Mako energy is a fine, fine, thing  
It feels real good and has a certain zing..." 

"Knock it off," Rufus muttered to Sephiroth as the two of them ran outside the Shinra building. Rufus climbed into a waiting helicopter. "C'mon," he said. "We're going to go find Aerith." 

"We?" Sephiroth asked. 

"It's Aerith," Rufus explained. "Don't you want to finish the job?" 

"I'm just a ghost," Sephiroth said. 

"Now you tell me," Rufus muttered. Suddenly, the president of Shinra was knocked to the ground by a massive explosion that sent the helicopter rolling onto its back. Pieces of rubble cascaded down out of the sky as Rufus crawled underneath the seat in the helicopter and covered his head. 

When the immediate showers of rubble were over, Rufus peered out the window. The entire Shinra Building had been destroyed, leaving only a wide swatch of burning desolation. Sephiroth stood unconcerned in the middle of it, being an insubstantial ghost. On the other side of the former building stood two other figures. At first, Rufus thought it was Cloud and Barret, but then he realized that it was actually the evil pair P-Cloud and Garret. 

"That was cool," Garret said. 

"Yeah," P-Cloud agreed. 

Rufus fired at P-Cloud with his shotgun, but the younger version of Cloud ducked behind a pile of rubble. "I thought we were going to look for Aerith," Sephiroth said from behind him. 

Rufus looked up. "It's about time," he said. "Let's go." As P-Cloud and Garret wandered off, Rufus pushed the helicopter upright and he and Sephiroth got in. 

"I've seen a flood and a supernova..." Seph began. 

"STOP SINGING THAT INFERNAL SONG!" Rufus yelled. 

The helicopter took off and flew off over the rooftops of Midgar, following the trail of destruction the chocobos left behind. 

*** * ***

"The plan seems to be going well, General Aerith," Bakusa the imp said. He and Aerith were perched on a hill overlooking the besieged city. 

"Yes," Aerith agreed. "Now for the final stage." Aerith raised her hand as the army of chocobos passed by below. There was a flash of orange light in the sky. The chocobos suddenly stopped charging and stood still. Then they gradually began to merge into one single chocobo, growing larger and larger until they towered over even the tallest buildings in the city. 

*** * ***

The party stared in mute astonishment as the huge chocobo rose up above the rooftops. "That is one big chocobo," Tifa said. 

Cid swore as the chocobo crushed a shop under one massive foot. "Let's try to run under its legs," Emiko suggested. "Maybe it won't see us." 

"This is like a bad dream I had once," Jane said. 

As the massive chocobo turned its attention towards a circling news helicopter, the party darted underneath its legs and sprinted across the demolished Area 5 slums. The chocobo smashed the helicopter with one twelve-foot wing and turned around. Seeing the lone party scrambling across the rubble, it squawked -- a titanic sound that shattered windows across the city -- and gave chase. 

*** * ***

Rufus and Sephiroth's helicopter darted between two skyscrapers. Both of the helicopter's occupants watched the ground carefully below, looking for Aerith. Rufus was piloting with one hand and the other clamped over Sephiroth's mouth. "Mm trmld thm wrmld frm mmnd tm mnd," Sephiroth mumbled. "Mm Mnvma Wrml's m Smmmst plmc m thm lmnd." 

"Hey, isn't that Cloud and those guys down there," Rufus said, pointing with his right hand. 

"Jeno-o-ova Wor-r-rld!" Sephiroth finished the verse, then squinted at the group. "Looks like it. The chocobo's after them." 

"I don't like them any more than you do, but right now there are more important things to worry about," Rufus said, turning the helicopter and flying towards the outer edge of the city. "We've got to bail them out. Let's go get the Highwind." 

*** * ***

Barret fired his ARM (which in Barret's case really was an Arm) at the Chocobo. The bullet just pinged off the chocobo's torso. Suddenly, the Highwind streaked down out of the sky. Rufus threw a rope ladder down from the deck. 

Vincent grabbed the ladder and scrambled up, followed by the rest of the party. Cait Sith hopped off the back of his moogle and scurried up by himself. The moogle climbed up below him with Red XIII hanging onto its back. 

On board the Highwind, the party faced Rufus and Sephiroth. "Sephiroth!" Cloud exclaimed. 

"He's a ghost," Rufus explained hastily. "He was going to fix the Underwater Breath Materia if... well, it's a long story?" 

"Fix? It was broken?" Barret asked. 

"Yuffie Cave," Rufus spat. He looked out at the city. The giant chocobo was stomping through the Wall Market, crushing cars, buildings, and people. Screaming citizens fled in terror as the chocobo punched down skyscrapers. Shinra helicopters circled the chocobo, firing at it, but the chocobo did not even appear to notice. 

"I suddenly feel very small and plastic-like," Cait Sith said, hopping back onto his moogle. 

"What do we now?" Cecilia asked. 

"That chocobo's being controlled by Aerith, right?" Red XIII said. "Seems like we ought to get back the Chocobo Control Materia back from Aerith and stop it." 

"Yo!" a voice shouted down from above them. "You're too late, foo'." 

The party looked back. Garret and P-Cloud were flying above the Highwind in a stolen Shinra helicopter. "It's those two again," Jack said. "The ones that blew up the submarine!" 

"And the Shinra building," Rufus muttered. 

"Garret!" Barret hissed. 

"General Aerith's already back at the secret Cetra temple," P-Cloud taunted. "There's nothing you can do to stop the chocobo now." 

"Sephiroth!" Rufus urged. "You've got to fix the Underwater Breath Materia so we can chase Aerith before the whole city's destroyed." 

"Oh, I don't think so," P-Cloud said. He grabbed a rocket launcher from under his seat and started firing at the Highwind. Cid swore as the rocket pummeled the Highwind. Rudy grabbed desperately onto the rail as the airship rocked back and forth. "Have a nice day!" P-Cloud laughed. 

The on-deck phone rang. Cid struggled across the violently shaking deck and grabbed it off the hook. "Hello?" he snapped. "No, I'm happy with present long-distance plan, you @#!." Then he hung up. 

Without warning, Hanpan flew up from Jack's shoulder and through the window of the helicoper. "Hey, get that rat out of here," P-Cloud said. Garret tried to grab Hanpan, but the wind rat dodged nimbly out of the way and grabbed the controls of the helicopter. He turned it away from the Highwind and flew it directly at the giant chocobo. 

"What are you doing?" P-Cloud shouted. "Stop!" Hanpan piloted the helicopter straight towards the chocobo's open mouth. 

"NNNOOOOOO!!!!" Garret cried as the chocobo's beak start to close on the helicopter. Hanpan quickly darted out of the vehicle and flew back to the Highwind. 

"Done," Sephiroth was saying, holding up the repaired Underwater Breath Materia. 

"Good work, Hanpan," Jack said as Hanpan lit on his shoulder. 

"That was fun," Hanpan said. "Did you see the looks on those guys' faces?" 

"Now let's get to the Cetra temple and see if we can't salvage some small measure of the city," Rufus said. 

"But what about Marlene?" Barret asked. 

"Shut up about Marlene already!" Cait Sith snapped. "We've got work to do. Let's hurry." 


	10. Magma

Aerith and Bakusa the imp sat in the secret temple of the Cetra, watching the destruction of Midgar on big-screen TV. "Where could Rufus and Cloud's party be?" Aerith worried. 

"Right here," a voice behind her said. 

Aerith whirled. Rufus, Cloud, Sephiroth, and the rest of the party were standing in the doorway of the temple. "You can't just come in here like that!" Aerith exclaimed. 

"She says we can't," Pesmerga observed. "Shall we see if she's right?" 

Drawing their weapons, Rufus and Sephiroth led the charge into the temple. "Bakusa! Stop them!" Aerith commanded. 

The imp snatched up his halberd and leapt to attack as Aerith used her Planet Protector Limit Break to make him invincible. Jack slashed at Bakusa with his sword, but the sword made a pinging noise and ricocheted off Bakusa. Jack shook and the vibrating sword fell out of his hands. 

"Imp!" Cait Sith said, casting the spell Imp. A white field surrounded Bakusa as green smoke shot out of the floor. The field receded, and where Bakusa was now stood a human that somehow resembled the former imp. 

"Aaaugh!" the now-human Bakusa cried, looking down at his human hands. "What have you done to me?" Panicking, he ran past the party and out of the temple. 

"I always wondered what would happen if you cast Imp on an imp," Cait Sith said to Red XIII. 

Sephiroth was looking around the temple. "You know, this would actually be kind of a nice place for Jenova World." 

"What?" Aerith demanded. 

"I've seen a flood and a supernova But there's nothing else quite like Jenova..." Sephiroth promptly began. Jack began accompanying him on his guitar. 

"NO!! STOP!!" Rufus shouted, firing his shotgun at Seph. The bullets passed through Sephiroth's insubstantial form. 

"So you're just a ghost, Sephiroth?" Aerith said. "You can't fool me." She waved her hand. "Begone!" The ghost of Sephiroth vanished. 

While the rest of the party reorganized, Aerith held up her staff. "Ragu Ragla!" 

A pillar of fire sprung up out of the floor and formed into Ragu Ragla. Ragu then cast Volcanic Bomb on the party. Fireballs spiraled down towards them. Emiko jumped in front of the others and surrounded himself with a blue aura. The fireballs struck him and exploded. Emiko staggered backwards and fell to the ground. 

Jane fired her uzi at Ragu Ragla as Pesmerga charged towards Aerith with his sword drawn. Aerith unsummoned Ragu Ragla and turned to face Pesmerga. She cast Stop on the knight and turned to flee through a back door in the temple. 

Jack used his Vaccuum Fast Draw and dragged Aerith back across the temple. Just as Jack was about to strike, a golden dragon burst through the ceiling of the temple with General Leo riding on its back. 

The party backed off from the massive dragon, which filled most of the chamber. Aerith jumped on its back and the dragon flew off through the newly-made hole in the temple roof. 

"Quick! Back to the Protowing!" Cid said. 

"What about Emiko?" Cecilia asked. 

"I'll be all right," the Elw said, climbing to his feet. "But I might not be able to use my magic for a while." 

The party scrambled back down the passage through the dormant volcano to the underwater vent that lead inside. The Protowing-submarine was waiting for them. They climbed in and took off. 

As they rose above the water, Red XIII pointed with one paw towards a speck on the horizon. "There's the dragon." 

Rudy threw the ignition and the Protowing gave pursuit. The wings of the dragon were no match for the Protowing's powerful engines, and the party rapidly gained on Aerith and Leo. 

Then the dragon dived towards Nibleheim. Rudy quickly whirled the Protowing around and dove after them. The dragon circled around behind a mountain. Rudy struggled to maneuver the Protowing around it, eventually managing to get the Protowing stopped and started again. 

When they rounded the mountain, there was no sign of the dragon. 

"Where'd they go?" Cloud wondered aloud. 

Hanpan pointed at a silver-hued shimmering patch of land with rainbow streaks through it. "That's a dimensional portal if I ever saw one," he said. 

"That or a really big gasoline spill," Jane said. 

"Will the Protowing fit through?" Jack wondered. 

"I think so," Rudy said, looking down at the portal. 

"What about the chocobo in Midgar?" Rufus asked. 

"The influence of the Chocobo Control Materia shouldn't be able to extend through the portal," Red XIII advised. 

"Barret, Tifa, and I'll go back there and make sure everything's calmed down," Cloud volunteered. 

"I'll come along too," Vincent said. 

Rudy landed the Protowing to allow Cloud, Barret, Tifa, and Vincent to get off. Then the rest of the group -- Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, and Cid -- checked their equipment and prepared for the journey to the next world. 

*** * ***

The Protowing shot out of the dimensional portal into the world of FF6. "Hey, I recognize this pl -- aaaugh!" Cait Sith broke off as he suddenly was sucked up through the roof of the Protowing and vanished, leaving his moogle behind. 

"Hey, where the @$#$ did Cait Sith go?" Cid asked. 

"He just vanished," Cecilia said, confused. 

"We'll worry about him later," Rufus said. "We've got to catch up with Aerith." 

The Protowing soared southwest across the World of Ruin, passing over the plains around Kefka's Tower. There were no signs of Leo's dragon. As they circled the tower, something swooped down at them from the sky. 

"Behemoth!" Red XIII shouted. 

Cid rolled down his window, lit a stick of dynamite on his cigarette, and hurled it out at the Behemoth. The dynamite exploded, destroying the Behemoth. Hovering where the Behemoth used to be was a green sword. 

"Look, a sword," Jack said, using his Vaccuum Fast Draw to suck it in through the window. 

"That must be the Gamma Sword," Hanpan chimed in. "I've heard about it, but I didn't think it existed. 

"It doesn't," Emiko said. "Angol Fred's up to his old tricks again." 

*** * ***

"HELP!" Zed screamed through the door of the closet in panic. "I'm trapped in here! Uh... I've fallen and I can't get up!" 

*** * ***

"Hey, Leviathan, what's a five-letter city in North Dakota?" Ramuh asked. 

"Fargo?" Leviathan suggested. 

"No, the first letter's an 'M'," Ramuh said, looking down at his crossword. 

"Bahamut!" Leviathan called. "What's a five-letter city in North Dakota that starts with an M?" 

"Minot," Bahamut said clinically, turning one eye towards the pair. 

"Bahamut! Help! I can't get past this room in De Le Metalica that says 'Knowledge is the treasure.'!" Odin said. 

"Bahaamuut! I can't find my Tamagotchi!" Shiva complained. 

"Bahamut! Titan hit me!" Ifrit whined. 

"He hit me first!" Titan said. 

"Did not!" 

"Did too!" 

"Did not!" 

"Did too!" 

"QUIET! ALL OF YOU!" Bahamut roared. "I'm trying to listen! An Esper just showed up in the human world. I don't know how it got there." 

Chupon suddenly let out an anguished cry as he was sucked into the air and subsequently disappeared. Cait Sith dropped down in his place. "I'm baaaaack!" he said. "Did you miss me?" 

"Hey, Cait, what's a four-letter word that means 'to saunter'?" Ramuh asked. 

"How about 'tort'?" Cait Sith said, peering over Ramuh's shoulder at his crossword puzzle. 

"Tort? What kind of a word is 'tort?'" 

"I found it in the Scrabble dictionary," Cait said. "It has lots of good words of questionable existence." He turned to Bahamut. "Who was that guy that just disappeared?" 

"That was Chupon," Bahamut said. "We brought him in from this world to replace you when you left to see what the humans were doing.... just what are they doing, anyway?" 

"Later," Cait Sith said. "I'm looking for somebody named Aerith Gainsborough. Know where she is?" 

"We can't go out into that world anymore," Bahamut said. "Magic doesn't exist there. But one of us got left behind... Magma." 

"Never heard of him," Cait Sith said. 

"He might be under the control of Angol Fred," Bahamut explained. "That's why we left him behind. What you have to do is bring an item called the Magma Candle to the Phoenix Cave and put it on the red star. Got that?" 

"I think so, Bahamut," Cait Sith said. "But next time, you dump the moogle in the lemon meringue filling." 

Bahamut gave him a weird look. "Never mind," Cait said. "See ya!" He grabbed his megaphone and disappeared from the Esper world. 

*** * ***

"Reeve to President Rufus, come in Rufus," the Protowing's radio crackled. 

"This is Rufus," Rufus said. "What is it?" 

"I've lost control of Cait Sith!" Reeve said. 

"You didn't!" 

"I just said I did, didn't I?" Reeve snapped. 

"What do mean, you lost control of him?" Rufus said. 

"It happened just a few minutes ago, when you guys crossed into this world. He started talking all on his own, then I lost contact with him completely." 

"Whee! I'm back!" Cait Sith said, appearing on his moogle.

"He just showed up, Reeve," Rufus reported. 

"Who?" 

"Cait Sith," Rufus said. He turned to the cat. "What's going on here?" 

"What, did you actually think I was just a robot?" Cait Sith said. "Boy, you're even stupider than I thought. You and Reeve and that Strife fellow all fell for it! I'm really an Esper. The real Cait Sith robot died back in the Temple of the Ancients. How did you think Cait Sith No. 2 got there so fast? That wasn't a robot, that was me! I waylaid the other robot later and nobody ever noticed! I just let Reeve control me so I could find out what you humans were up to. SUCKERS!" The cat collapsed in hysterics. 

"What the @#! is going on here?" Cid snapped. 

"I think Cait Sith here is actually an Esper," Hanpan explained. "He was just pretending to be one of Reeve's Cait Sith robots and knocked off the real one." 

"Reeve!" Rufus said. "Cait Sith says he's not a robot, he's actually an Esper and he was just pretending to be a robot. He says he showed up when you sent out Cait Sith No. 2, killed it off, and pretended to be a robot." 

"That's impossible!" Reeve said. "Well... actually, I guess it is possible..." 

"Suckers!" Cait Sith repeated. He had fallen off his moogle and was rolling on the floor of the Protowing laughing. 

"This is certainly an interesting turn of events," Red XIII said. 

"Can you regain control of him?" Rufus asked. 

"I don't think so," Reeve replied. "He's an Esper, not a robot. He was just letting me control him to maintain his disguise. Oh, Seph's offering you 5 million gil for Junon. Should I take him up?" 

"Of course not," Rufus said shortly. 

"He said he'll throw in a Jenova World t-shirt." 

"I said no," Rufus said. 

"He'll give you an extra 3 million if you also bring him Aerith's head on a stick." 

"I'm not selling Junon, so tell him to take a hike.. preferably in the fire-pits in Wutai," Rufus said. "And that's final." 

"All right," Reeve said. "Will do, sir." He then hung up. 

"Are you through yet?" Hanpan asked Cait Sith, who was still in hysterics on the floor. 

Cait took a deep breath and chuckled again. "Heehee... you guys are such suckers," he said, climbing back into his seat and perching on his moogle. "Oh, Bahamut said to talk to Magma." 

"Magma? Who's Magma?" Rudy asked. 

"He's an Esper," Cait Sith explained. "We need something called the Magma Candle." 

"Just where exactly _did_ you go?" Cecilia asked. 

"I'll explain later," Cait Sith said. 

"Somehow I get the feeling that this 'later' is going to be a unit of time slightly longer than the lifespan of Strom Thurmond," Hanpan said. 

"Shut up, Hanpan," Cait said. 

"So where do we go to get this Magma Candle?" Emiko interrupted, trying to head off any further argument. 

"I don't know," Cait Sith replied. 

"How about there?" Jack said, pointing at a huge sign below them that read "GAS, FOOD, LODGING, MAGMA CANDLES, next right." 

"Gee, how convenient," Hanpan said. "What a co-inky-dink." 

"But this is out in the middle of the desert," Jane protested. 

"Let's just land and have a look around," Pesmerga suggested. 

Rudy landed the Protowing out in the Figaro desert. Rufus started out of the Protowing, tripped, and fell into the sand, spraining his ankle. "This has not been a good day," he muttered. 

"Singing telegram for Mr. Shinra," a merchant on a chocobo said, hurrying up. 

"What?" Rufus asked, picking himself out of the sand. 

"I've seen a flood and a supernova -" the merchant began. 

"NO!" Rufus threw handfuls of sand at the merchant. "Don't sing that song!" 

"Hey, I just work here," the merchant said defensively, covering his head with one hand and backing off a few paces. 

"Do you know where we could get a Magma Candle?" Emiko asked. 

"Oh, sure, I sell them," the travelling merchant said. He reached into his pack and took out a small red wax candle. "Gold or plastic?" 

"Do you take Elw Express?" 

"Of course not. I can take a singing telegram to someone or take your orders for exotic merchandise, but I don't take Elw Express." 

"Here," Red XIII handed the merchant his CosmoCard. "CosmoCard. It's everywhere you want to be." 

" _*I_ don't want to be here," Rufus said. 

"Shut up, Rufus," Cait Sith said through his megaphone. 

The merchant handed Red XIII his CosmoCard back with the Magma Candle and his receipt. "Have a nice day," he said, riding off on his chocobo. 

"I think that's a bit too late," Rufus said bitterly. 

"I thought I told you to shut up," Cait said. 

Rufus bowed extravangtly. "Your wish is my command, master." 

"Will you two @#$in' cut it out?" Cid asked. 

"I'm having a bad day," Rufus explained. 

"So I've noticed," Jane said. 

Cait Sith stuck his tongue out at Rufus as the party got back on the Protowing. "Next stop, the Phoenix Cave," Rudy said, turning the ignition. 

*** * ***

The party descended into the lower levels of the Phoenix Cave. As they walked down a stone staircase, a small rock fell from the ceiling and hit Rufus on the head. The president of Shinra sighed. "Why me?" he asked plaintively. 

Cait Sith walked smirking at the back of the group. "Can I get a restraining order on him?" Rufus asked, glancing back at the cat Esper and his moogle. 

The group reached the final room of the cave. As always, the red star twinkled on a small piece of land surrounded by lava. Red XIII set the Magma Candle down inside the star. The star jumped to the wick of the candle and lit it. A pillar of flame shot out of the candle and formed into a large, flaming, blob with two glowing green eyes. 

"Yes?" Magma asked in a rasping voice. "Who are you?" 

"I'm Cait Sith," Cait Sith shouted through his megaphone. "I'm an Esper. It's 5:00 am. Do you know where Aerith Gainsborough is?" 

"Who is she?" Magma asked. 

"She's under the control of Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors," Red XIII explained. "She's got one of the gems we need to restore power to the Guardian Amulet. She might be with General Leo." 

"Ah... Leo," Magma said. "I'm not sure where he may be right now, but I do know who you can talk to." 

"Who?" Rudy asked. 

"You need to talk to Ultros, at the coliseum." 


	11. Clone Wars

The party approached the coliseum at Dragon's Neck. Rufus, in the lead, opened a door. A bucket of water fell on his head. "I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning," he muttered. 

"G'fa ha ha," Ultros laughed from inside the coliseum. "Tricked you!" 

"Hey, Ultros," Cait Sith said. "Remember me? I'm Cait Sith. I'm an Esper." 

"Did you know that Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Slaghoopal?" Hanpan asked. 

"Shut up, Hanpan," Cait Sith. 

"I'm just trying to liven up the dialogue," Hanpan protested. 

"I was designated head of comic relief, so beat it," Cait Sith said. 

"What's with you, anyway?" Cecilia asked C.S. "Ever since Reeve lost control of you, you've gone completely insane." 

"Call it a personality defect," Cait Sith said, pulling a set of moogle-shaped juggling cubes out from under his cape and beginning to juggle. 

"Uh... did you want something?" Ultros asked. 

"We're looking for one General Leo," Rudy said. "Do you know him?" 

"Fuwa ha ha!" Ultros laughed. "Of course I do! He's... uh, wait a second. Why should I tell you this?" 

"Because you're a kind, caring, altruistic person deeply concerned with our needs?" Hanpan asked hopefully. 

"Nope," Ultros said. "Tell you what. If you bring me an item called the Cross, I'll help you out." 

"Now where are we going to find this Cross?" Pesmerga said to the others. 

"There's probably lots of adventurers around here," Red XIII suggested. "I wouldn't be surprised if one of them's heard about it." 

"Sounds good," Rudy said. "Why don't you check it out?" 

"All right," Red XIII said, padding across the coliseum to the pub. "Come on, Cait." 

*** * ***

The bartender at the bar in the coliseum looked at the odd pair coming up the stairs. One was a red lion with long earrings, and the other was a small black-and-white cat riding on a giant stuffed moogle. The bartender rubbed his eyes. He didn't think he'd been drinking *that* much. 

"Down here," Red XIII said from the floor. When the bartender didn't respond, Cait Sith banged him on the head with his megaphone. 

"Hey, you, I want an espresso," Cait Sith said. The cat hopped from his moogle onto one of the stools at the bar 

Red XIII reached up and put his front paws on the counter, then struggled to look over it. "I'll just have some Bugenhagen-Dazs ice cream." 

As the innkeeper turned to get their orders, Cait Sith looked up at the big neon sign over the bar. "You really see these franchised 6th Heaven bars everywhere nowdays, don't you?" 

"I thought Tifa's bar was called 7th Heaven," Red XIII said. 

"We got downsized," the barkeeper explained. 

"Hey, you there," Cait Sith said, grabbing a black-clothed man next to him by his shoulder and shaking him. "You ever heard of something called the Cross?" 

The man turned. "What's it to you?" 

"Hey, I remember you," Cait Sith said. "You're Shadow, right?" 

"Yeah," Shadow grunted. "Who are you?" 

"I'm Cait Sith, the Esper Formerly Known as Stray," C.S. explained. "Want my autograph?" 

"I'll pass," Shadow said. Then he remembered something. "I thought all the Espers vanished from this world. Why are you still here?" 

"I'm special," Cait Sith explained. "Actually, I happened to be out of the world at the time magic disappeared. Pretty lucky, actually. I don't think my insurance would have covered spontaneously vanishing due to a magic outage." 

"The Cross, Cait," Red XIII reminded his friend. "The Cross." 

"Oh yeah, the Cross," Cait Sith said, sipping his espresso. "Uh, do you know anything about it?" 

Shadow turned to the person sitting to his right. It was Seigfried. "Hey, Seig, this cat wants to know about the Cross." 

"I heard," Seigfried said. "But today I'm Sigfried, not Seigfried." 

"He has a split personality," Shadow explained. 

"Maybe he needs to find his true self in the Lifestream," Cait Sith said. He pointing at a puddle on the floor. "I think it's right there." 

"That's a pool of spilled beer, Cait," Red XIII said. 

"Oops, never mind. So, Mr. Seig-Sig-Zig-fried, what do you know about the Cross?" 

"That's the thing Ultros is looking for, right?" Seigfried said. "Yeah, I know where it is. But I'm not going to just tell you. See, I'm looking for this sword called the Gamma Sword." 

"Cute," Cait Sith said to Red. "If this storyline gets any more straightforward, I'm not sure I could take it." 

"Cait," Red whispered urgently. He motioned for the cat to follow and walked across the room. Cait Sith jumped on his moogle and followed. When they were out of Seigfried's hearing range, Red XIII whispered to Cait, "The Gamma Sword... that was that sword Jack found when we first came here." 

"Do we give it to him?" C.S. whispered back. 

"I don't know," Red said. "We don't even know whether Seigfried really knows where the Cross is. Let's go talk with the others first." 

"Hey, you two," Seigfried shouted to them as they turned to leave. "I almost forgot to tell you that somebody's pretending to be me. Don't be fooled." 

"Yeah, someone's posing as me too," Shadow added. "If you see him, punch him out for me, okay?" 

"Uh... sure," Red said. 

*** * ***

Red XIII explained what they had learned to the rest of the group. "So you think this Seigfried guy might be lying?" Rufus asked. 

"I don't know," Red XIII replied. 

"Hey, look at this," Hanpan said, flying out from Jack's shoulder and grabbing a tabloid off a rack. "'TALKING GIBBON WRITES WILD ARMS FAQ... DETAILS INSIDE!'" With some difficulty the rat flipped through the pages of the magazine, which was bigger than he was. "General Leo Seen In Detroit 7-11... Exclusive Photos: Yuffie Seen With Edward the Bard... Baby Born With Ultima Spell... Terrible Dragon Attacks Thamasa... hey, what's that?" Hanpan skimmed over the article. "Hey, guys! It says here that a terrible dragon attacked Thamasa and made off with a number of magical artifacts, including the Cross... it was pursued by two mercenaries, Clyde Arrowny and Seig Hideann." 

The group looked at each other. "He's telling the truth," Rudy nodded. 

"Good, let's go give him the sword and get going," Jane said, heading for the bar. 

"Not so fast," Rufus said, grabbing her arm and stopping her. "What's going to stop him from just taking the sword and leaving? I've got a better idea. Let's bet the sword in the coliseum. This Seigfried's guy bound to show up." 

"Good idea," Jack said. He drew the Gamma Sword and his own sword. "Leave it to me." 

*** * ***

Jack stepped into the arena, facing off against Seigfried. As soon as he drew his sword, however, he suddenly lost all control over his body. His intent was to use Trump Card, but instead he found himself casting Soul Breaker, which, of course, failed. 

"Help!" Jack shouted as he used a Antidote on himself (despite the fact he wasn't poisoned). "I can't control myself!" 

"Leave this to me, human," a voice behind him said as Boomerang and Luceid entered the arena. Jack quickly stepped out of the way. Boomerang raised his boomerangs to fight and Lucied crouched, ready to leap. 

"YOU!" Shadow shouted, jumping from the stands into the arena. "You're the one who's copying me!" He turned to Seigfried. "Look at that, Baram. This guy's completely ripping me off... the dog, the ninja getup, everything... heck, even his theme song sounds like mine!" Shadow drew his knives and whistled for Interceptor, then turned to face Boomerang. "You're paying royalties to me, pal." 

"Nobody tells me what to do," Boomerang said. "Come, Luceid." 

Boomerang used Double Boomerang Dynamic, throwing his boomerangs at Shadow and then jumping after them. Shadow was knocked off balance, but retaliated with Shadow Fang. Luceid leaped towards Interceptor and bit into the dog's side. Interceptor fled, whimpering. 

Shadow, armed with the Genji Glove and Offering, darted into and slashed at Boomerang eight times. Boomerang staggered dizzily backwards. "You're tougher than I expected," the Quarter Knight said. "I might need some help. ZEIK!!" 

A shadow appeared on the ground and Zeikfried rose from it. The demon leader readied his Glumzamber spear to fight, surveying the arena in front of him. 

"There are you!" Seigfried shouted. "I've been a waiting a long time for this, impostor!" Seigfried cast Hyper Drive, but Zeikfried teleported quickly out of the way. 

Zeikfried and Boomerang looked at each other. The pair raised two Guardian runes, summoning Zephyr and Lucadia. Zephyr started to blast Seigfried and Shadow with a blast of fire when Bahamut appeared in front of the dragon. 

"IMPOSTOR!" Bahamut roared. "HOW DARE YOU IMITATE THE DRAGON KING BAHAMUT!" Bahamut batted Zephyr out of the way with a huge claw. The small piece of ground on which Zephyr was lying started to rise from the earth. 

"Uh-oh," Boomerang said. "Here comes another twelve-hour call spell." 

As Neo Bahamut did his routine on Zephyr, Leviathan appeared in a ball of water and lunged for Lucadia. Lucadia sent a tidal wave crashing down on Leviathan, but Leviathan retaliated with an even bigger one that crushed Lucadia. 

"Oh well," Zeikfried shrugged. "What did you expect from a pair of Guardians?" 

"Hey, Zeik, look out," Boomerang said as Seigfried used another Hyper Drive on Zeikfried. Zeik was smashed against the wall of the arena. 

"Uh... thanks," Zeik said. "You know, we could be in trouble." 

"I hadn't noticed," Boomerang said sarcastically as Shadow launched into another 8-hit Genji Glove/Offering attack. 

Suddenly, a white sphere appeared in the center of the arena and formed into the shape of Alhazad. 

"Who are you?" Seigfried asked, turning from his assault on Zeikfried. 

"I am Alhazad, of the Demon Race!" Alhazad boomed. "Bow before me, mortals!" 

"Demons?" Seigfried asked. "There's no such thing as demons." 

"Then what do I look like?" Alhazad said ominously. 

"Uh.... a weather balloon?" Seigfried said. "Yeah. A very oddly-shaped weather balloon." 

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," Alhazad said coolly, blasting Seigfried out of existence with a Super Transmitted Mega Crush. 

"Uh... please, Mr. Alhazad," Shadow begged, falling to his knees. "Don't kill me!" 

"Khhk khhk khhk!" Alhazad laughed. "Grovel at my feet, mortal! I'm sorry, all I can give you is -" 

"Hold it, Alhazad," Jack said, drawing his sword. "This guy has some important information." 

"You spoil all the fun," Alhazad said. "All right. I'll let this twerp go. And remember, kids... I'm your REAL favorite character, not that stupid Roughnight kid. Remember to vote for Alhazad!" With that, Alhazad vanished. 


	12. You Spoony Bard!

"All right... just what do you want?" Shadow asked as he stood outside the coliseum with an ice pack held to his head. "This better be important." 

"Oh, it is," Jack said. "We need to find out where the Cross is... now." 

"Fine, I'll tell you," Shadow said. "Just don't bring that Alhazad guy back. He's too cool for me. The Cross used to be in Thamasa, but then a terrible dragon attacked and took it to the Veldt. So the last I've heard of it, it's on the Veldt." 

"Are you sure?" Hanpan asked. 

"Yes I am," Shadow said. "I saw all this in my fifth dream that I got when I slept in the coliseum." 

"Allllrighty then," Rudy said. "The Veldt it is then." 

*** * ***

The Protowing skimmed to a stop on the Veldt. The party emerged, weapons at the ready. Rufus scanned the horizon. "I don't see anything, do you?" he asked. 

"Guess who!" Cait Sith shouted, reaching around Rufus from behind and covering Rufus's eyes. 

"Moron," Rufus said, wriggiling away from the cat. 

"Nope, it's Cait Sith!" Cait Sith exclaimed, clobbering Rufus on the head with his megaphone. 

"Uwaoooooo~!" Gau cried as he suddenly emerged from the ground in front of the party. He spun around several times and then fell down. "Gau feel dizzy! Uwaoo!" 

"Wow, that was quite a special effect," Cait Sith chimed in. "I bet that one really cost a lot to produce. Of course, I was rendered on a high-end workstation." 

"You are really starting to me, did you know that?" Rufus said. 

"No, I didn't know," Cait Sith said sweetly. "I'm so sorry. It won't happen again." 

"Gau head hurt!" Gau said when he had gotten up. "Uwaoooo! Mr. Angol want take Gau to FF7 world! Mr. Angol want make Gau secret character! Mr. Angol want start rumor! Gau no want go!" 

"Angol Fred, all right," Emiko said. "He couldn't have been in this world that long ago. We're catching up to him." 

"Gau hide on Veldt!" Gau continued. "Gau try learn Siegfried and Chupon Rages! Gau no find them! Mr. Angol say give Gau Rages if Gau go to Mig-bar! But Gau no want to go to Mig-bar!" 

"Where is this, uh, Mr. Angol now?" Pesmerga asked Gau. 

"Mr. Angol kill big dragon! Mr. Angol take shiny thing. Gau want shiny thing. Gau chase Mr. Angol. Mr. Angol go uwaaaooo!" 

"Well, that certainly narrows down the possibilities," Jane said. 

"I think he means that Angol Fred vanished," Hanpan explained. "He probably went to another world, and he's got the Cross." 

"Where did he go, uh, uwaaaooo?" Rudy asked. 

"Gau know," Gau said. "Gau friends there! Follow Gau! Uwaoo~!" Gau scurried off across the Veldt. The rest others followed him to a small watering hole on the Veldt. Sabin, Relm, Cecil, Mog, and Cid were sitting around a fire, roasting marshmallows. 

"Kupo!" Mog greeted them. He looked at Cait Sith. "Hey... you're that Esper guy, kuppopo!" 

"You'll notice all the influence I have around here," Cait Sith whispered to Rufus. 

"Shut UP," Rufus repeated. 

"Mr. Esper want know where shiny door is!" Gau said, gesturing at Cait Sith. 

"Shiny door?" Cid -- the one from FF6 -- asked. "What are you talking about, Gau?" 

"I think he means the room in the Ancient Castle," Cecil said. 

"Oh, that place," Sabin said. "Say, have you guys heard of anything called the Bright Blade?" 

"I've heard about that," Cait Sith said. "But I thought it was just a rumor." 

"Which means...." Red XIII began. 

"Angol Fred," the whole party said in unison. 

"I didn't understand that in the slightest, did you?" Relm asked Cecil. 

"Not really, no," Cecil said. 

"It's a long story, but I'll try to summarize," Emiko said. "There's Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors. He's stolen the three gems out of the Guardian Amulet, which controls the powers of the Guardians. We've recovered one of the gems, but the other two are in the possession of General Leo. We don't know where he is, but an octopus named Ultros will tell us where if we bring him an item called the Cross. We came here to get it, but Angol Fred's beaten us to it and taken it to another world. That's what we wanted to ask you about." 

"That was a SUMMARY?" Mog asked, popping a marshmallow into his mouth. 

"But General Leo's dead," Sabin protested. 

"That's the power of Angol Fred," Emiko explained. "He can turn false rumors into reality. Leo is one of his top generals, and he's got two of the gems." 

"You know, wasn't it Kappa the Imp's suggestion that led to the accident?" Cid said to Cecil. "And he was never real, was he?" 

"What's this accident?" Cecilia asked. 

"Kappa the Imp told me to equip the Paladin Shield, Paladin Ring, and the Paladin Helmet and then cast Pearl on myself," Cecil explained. "See, I used to be Edgar but that turned me into Cecil. Now I need the Bright Blade to return to normal. I thought something was a little odd, because there isn't a Paladin Helmet, but Kappa said I could get it by uncursing the Thornlet." 

"You guys are lucky," Cait Sith said. "You get real honest-to-goodness armor. We've got to wear protective bracelets instead." 

"You think Angol Fred's behind all of this?" Cid asked Cecil-Edgar. 

"It could be," Cecil-Edgar said. "Would you people mind if we came with you? It looks like we've got a common goal here." He turned to Cecilia. "By the way, are you single?" 

"That's Edgar, all right," Cait Sith said. 

Cecil-Edgar bowed. "The King Formerly Known as Edgar," he introduced himself. "This is my brother Sabin Figaro; and these are Relm Arrowny, Mog, and Cid." 

"What the @#!%?" FF7-Cid exploded. "Who the #$#$ do you think you are, you @$!$in' impostor? I'm the real Cid, @#%!" 

"Hey, calm down," FF6-Cid said. "We just have the same name. Want a marshmallow?" 

"I'll take all your @#!in' marshmallows and tell you where to stick each and every one of 'em!" Cid said. "You aren't a real Cid, @#$! You're just some loser in a raincoat. You didn't even build a #$#@in' airship. Even the #$%@in' 8-bit Cids could do that." 

"Is he always like this?" FF4-Cid asked. 

"Yes," Red XIII said. He nodded in introduction. "I'm Nanaki of Cosmo Canyon, son of Seto the Warrior, or you can call me Red XIII." 

That gave Jane an idea. "Hey, maybe you guys should put numbers after your names... you know, Cid VII and Cid VI, that sort of thing." 

"Uh... sure," the newly-named Cid VI said. 

"You call that piece of @#! an idea?" Cid VII asked. 

"This looks like the next Rufus and Cait Sith," Jack said. 

"Shut your @#$in' mouth," Cid VII snapped. "Let's get goin'." 

*** * ***

Zed was sitting on the floor of the closet, tears of panic running down his face. There was no way out of the closet. He was going to suffocate in here. Zed desperately tried to think of another way out of the closet, but he could come up with none. 

*** * ***

The ever-expanding party, now consisting of Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid VII, Cecil-Edgar, Relm, Sabin, Gau, Cid VI, and Mog, entered the underground Ancient Castle. 

"Uwaooo~!" Gau said. "This where shiny door is! Mr. Angol want take Gau through shiny door!" 

The party descended to the room with the petrified queen. "Now, if I remember right, we're supposed to move that statue to the side," Cecil-Edgar said, pointing at a statue of a sphinx. 

Cait Sith's moogle and Sabin started pushing on the statue. There was a sudden flash of light and the statue's stone form melted into a living sphinx. "WHO ARE YOU?" the sphinx demanded. "HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY SLUMBER? I SHALL CURSE YOUR MISERABLE SOULS FOREVER?" 

"Why?" Relm asked. 

"I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON," the sphinx explained. 

"Shouldn't you ask a riddle or something?" Hanpan asked. The wind rat reached inside Jack's coat and took out a small pamphlet. "Let's see here... Mythological Beings Rules and Regulations, Section IX, Subsection 3, Paragraph 5: 'All sphinxes must ask riddles.'" 

"Oh, all right," the sphinx said. It threw a lever on the wall. A huge piece of the stone floor slid to the side, dropping Jack and Hanpan into a shaft. They tumbled out on the set of a game show, where the sphinx was awaiting them. 

"Welcome to another episode the game show craze sweeping the multiverse, YOU LOSE YOUR LIFE! Here's your host, Bob the Sphinx!" The sphinx walked on to tumultous applause. 

"You must be our other contestants," Bob said. "Are you ready to win some fabulous prizes for me steal from you? Go up there in third booth." 

"This is like some kind of bad dream or something," Jack muttered as he took his space in the third booth next to PaRappa the Rapper and Jean the frog from Breath of Fire 2. 

Jack signed his name on the slate at his booth, and it appeared on the blue screen in front. Hanpan jumped down from Jack's shoulder and picked up the pen with both hands. Using his full body weight, he wiggled the pen tip back and forth to add "AND HANPAN". 

"Don't worry," Hanpan said. "I know all the answers." 

"First, let's meet our contestants," Bob said. "First, we have our current champion, PaRappa the Rapper, with five straight victories. PaRappa, what's your secret to succcess?" 

"You gotta believe!" PaRappa explained. 

"All right, thank you," Bob turned to Jean. "And here we have Jean, the prince of SimaFort. Jean, you say that you're a poet. Would like to give us a sample of your work?" 

"Of course," Jean said. "Fog, fog, fog. This is Fog Valley's song." 

"That was a poem?" Hanpan blurted. "I could write a better poem if I was in a coma." 

"And finally, we have Jack Van Burace, a treasure hunter from Arctica," Bob the sphinx said. "Jack, tell us a little about your pet here." 

There was a sudden dreadful pause. Bob blinked. Hanpan flew across the room to hover in front of the sphinx. "I'M NOT A PET!!!" he roared in Bob's face. 

"Oh... I'm sorry," Bob said, recoiling. "Excuse me." 

Hanpan snorted and flew back to Jack, his arms folded and a look of disdain on his face. 

A loud buzzer rang. "Oh, it looks like we're almost out of time," Bob said. "We'll have skip straight to the final round. The answer is: MAN." 

Jack tried to think over the loud Jeopardy music playing, wondering what solution the sphinx was looking for. "Uh... it's 'What walks on four legs on dawn, three legs at noon, and two legs in the evening?'" Hanpan whispered in Jack's here. 

"What was that again?" Jack asked. Hanpan sighed and repeated the solution. 

"All right," Bob the sphinx says. "Time's up. Jack, what did you get?" 

"What walks on four legs on dawn, three legs at noon, and two legs in the evening?" Jack read the answer Hanpan had provided. 

"That's correct!" Bob shouted. "Congratulations! You've won a brand new toaster oven!" 

"Oh, joy," Hanpan said. 

Suddenly, the trap door in the ceiling opened up again and Rudy and Cecilia dropped down, followed by Pesmerga and Jane. "What's going on here?" Rudy asked. 

Bob the sphinx suddenly began to shift forms. Slowly his body morphed into a blue winged demon looking quite like Angol Moa, but this demon was wearing a small oval silver amulet on a chain around its neck. 

"I've seen that before..." Cecilia said, staring at the demon. "Angol Fred!" 

"Right!" Angol Fred laughed. "But your answer must be in the form of a question!" He pointed at the east wall of the set and it collapsed in a shower of rubble. The King of False Rumors started towards the newly made doorway, beyond which a bright white light was glowing. 

Rudy leapt towards him, about to fire the Arch Smash. Angol Fred turned and held the Guardian Amulet out towards Rudy. The amulet glowed briefly and a beam of green light flew out towards Rudy, enveloping him. Rudy hovered in the air, held in stasis by the light. 

As Angol Fred turned to leave, Jane fired her Hand Cannon ARM at the Guardian Amulet. The amulet was knocked out of Fred's large blue hand and skittered across the floor. Hanpan shot to pick it up, but Angol Fred stomped one huge foot down on it. 

"I don't have time for this now," Angol Fred said. "I've got something important to attend to." The demon scooped up the Guardian Amulet and hurried out through the open doorway. Rudy dropped out of his stasis and landed on the floor. 

"Thanks," Rudy said to Jane. 

"Oh, uh, it was an accident," Jane said. 

The rest of the party dropped down through the trap door. "He got away," Pesmerga said, his hand resting on his sword. 

"Really?" Cait Sith asked. "What tipped you off?" 

"That shiny door!" Gau said. "That lead to other world!" 

"We're right on his tail," Emiko said. "Let's hurry." 

The group rushed through the glowing door and found themselves standing on the deck of a yellow airship cutting through the sky. 

The airship's crew stared at them. "Who are you?" one of them, who appeared to be the pilot, asked. "Hey... Cecil!" 

"I'm not really Cecil," Edgar-Cecil explained. "I'm Edgar Figaro. I sort of got turned into Cecil on accident. I'm trying to find the Bright Blade to cure myself." 

"Are you feeling all right, Cecil?" the man asked. "And who are all these people?" 

"I'm Cait Sith," Cait said, bounding to the front of the group. "Want my autograph?" 

"Nobody thinks you're funny, so shut up!" Rufus snapped. 

"Yeah, but I'm cute, furry, and marketable, and you're not," C.S. said. 

Suddenly, a huge fireball arced over the airship. Rudy looked down on the ground. A massive black Golem-like machine was stomping through the plains below, spewing out fire in all directions. 

"That looks somewhat like the Diamond Weapon," Red XIII said. 

"It's the Giant of Bab-il," the blue-helmeted crew member said helpfully. "Seems that Tellah came back from the dead, and now he's taken control of that thing. He's tearing up the world looking for Edward for the bard." 

"Angol Fred," the entire party said simultaneously. 

"Could you run that by me again?" the pilot asked. 

"It's the work of the the King of False Rumors, Angol Fred," Cecil-Edgar asked. 

"Look out!" another crew member shouted. "It's firing at us!" 

The Giant of Bab-il fired a series of fireball at the Enterprise. "We've got to stop that thing!" Rufus said. 

Cid VII rushed to the helm of the airship. "You youngsters just watch," he said, grabbing the steering wheel and diving towards the giant. 

"What are you doing?" the pilot exclaimed. "Stop!" 

"Too late now," Red XIII observed, staring off the rail of the deck. The airship was heading directly for the chest of the Giant of Bab-il. 

"I guess we're stuck with this," the pilot said, picking up a hammer from the deck. "I'm Cid." 

"Not another @#!$in' Cid?" Cid VII raged. "@#@#!, why can't you get a @##$in' original name!" 

"He's Cid VII," Jane explained. "And that's Cid VI. And you must be Cid IV." 

"Wow," Cid IV was saying. "You're lucky. Back in my day, if we so much as thought something like that, Nintendo would have tar and feathered us." 

"Here we go!" Cid VII shouted. The Enterprise rammed into the chest of the Giant of Bab-il, smashing through the outer layer of metal. The airship skidded inside the huge robot and slammed into a mass of gears. Cid IV winced as the gears tore huge holes through the front of the Enterprise. The airship's front pitched forward, throwing the party off the front. They hurtled down between the gears and landed on in a large silvery chamber. 

Tellah stood at one of the end of the chamber, staring at a large electronic map of the FF4 world. He turned as the large party came tumbling down from above.

"Edward sent you!" he said accusingly. 

"Uh... no," Relm said. 

"You can't fool me!" Tellah said. "Mete -" He was interrupted when an elevator to his left opened up and Edward the bard got out. 

"Tellah!" Edward said. "What do you think you're doing?" 

"I'm looking for you, that's what I'm doing!" Tellah roared, whirling on Edward. "This time you're really going to get it!" 

Edward start strumming his harp, sending a barrage of notes at Tellah. Tellah charged through the notes, which, not suprisingly, had no effect. "Yikes!" Edward said, jumping back into the elevator and descended. Tellah ran into an adjacent elevator and followed him down. 

"Elevator tag!" Cait Sith said joyfully, jumping into another elevator and pressing the down arrow. 

An elevator across the room opened up and Edward came out of the elevator. He jumped into an another elevator that Cait Sith was just coming out and ascended. 

Tellah's elevator popped back up and Tellah charged out. Seeing Edward was not there, he ran back towards the elevator he had come out of, but Cait Sith had already jumped into it and hit up. "Get out of my, you stupid cat!" Tellah said. Cait Sith grinned at him as the doors closed. 

Another elevator opened up and Edward came out. Tellah pointed at him and started to cast a spell. Edward quickly ducked back into the elevator and hit the down button. Tellah ran towards the elevators and got in one to chase Edward. Edward's elevator came back down and he got out. 

Edward started running for the exit, but Rufus tripped him. "Hey, you," he said to the bard as he was getting up. "Why is this Tellah guy after you?" 

"It's a long story," Edward explained. "But I thought Tellah was dead..." 

"He's probably under the control of a fellow called Angol Fred," Hanpan explained. "The King of False Rumors." 

"He's slipping," Jane observed. "I don't remember any false rumors about Tellah." 

Meanwhile, Tellah was chasing Cait Sith through an upper floor. Cait Sith ducked into an elevator and pressed down, skipping past Edward's floor to a lower floor. Tellah jumped into his own elevator and, assuming Cait had gone to Edward's floor, descended to that floor. 

Tellah ran onto the main floor and looked around for Cait Sith. An elevator dinged and the doors started to open. Tellah ran towards that elevator, but froze when he saw that nobody was in the elevator. An adjacent elevator opened up and Cait Sith popped up. "Surprise!" he shouted, banging Tellah on the head with his megaphone. 

Edward started to strum his harp, which had no effect on Tellah. "Yeah!" Hanpan said as Tellah backed up to fight Edward and Cait. "Get him, Chump Team!" 

"You spoony bard!" Tellah shouted at Edward as he prepared a spell. 

"Spoony?" Cid VII blurted. "What kind of a @#$in' word is 'spoony'? Nobody says a word like that when I'm around and gets away with it!" He looked at Cid IV and Cid VI. "Let's kick their @#!#!" 

"CID ATTACK!" the Cids shouted, jumping towards Tellah. Cid IV attacked Tellah with his hammer while Cid VII jabbed at him with his spear. Cid VI hurled a rooten fish at Tellah, which stuck in the sage's mouth. Cid VII then jumped into the air and hit Tellah with a Boost Jump, knocking Tellah to the ground. 

"Curses," a voice said. "Foiled again!" The air started to shimmer and Angol Fred appeared in place of Tellah. 

"Tellah is Angol Fred?" Relm asked. 

"Not quite," Angol Fred said. "You see, as the King of False Rumors, I have many special powers. One of those powers is to assume the characteristics of the person I am closest to -- in this case, it was Tellah." 

"Wow, that's sort of like what Bill Clinton does," Cait Sith said to Red XIII. 

"What happened to the real Tellah?" Edgar-Cecil asked. 

"You were right," Angol Fred said. "There aren't any false rumors about Tellah, so I was unable to control him. But that doesn't matter. Your journey ends here." 

"Oh, please," Hanpan said. "I've heard that line so many times I've developed a chemical reaction to it." 

While Angol Fred was talking, Edward crept over to the wall behind the demon and silently slid open a red box marked "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF IMPENDING DOOM." He pushed the button within. 

"Self-destruction system activated," a computerized voice said. "Destruction will occur in approximately three minutes. Have a nice day." 

"Don't think you've won, fools," Angol Fred says. "This is only the beginning." He then turned and hurried out of the room. As he ran away, something fell out of his hand and landed on the floor. 

"We'd better move," Rudy said. 

"Wait a second!" Jack said, running to grab the object that Fred had dropped. It was a small cross. "This must the Cross that Ultros was looking for!" 

Meanwhile, Cecil-Edgar was investigating a row of transparent glass tubes. He spotted a suspicious object behind one of them and walked up for a closer look. He opened the chest to reveal a long blue-white sword. "The Bright Blade!" he exclaimed. As he touched the sword, he glowed white briefly and was returned to his normal form as Edgar. 

"Is there any more loot around here?" Jane asked, looking around the room. 

"We don't have time for that," Red XIII urged. "We've got to get out of here before this thing explodes and blows us all to kingdom come." 

"Yeah," Mog agreed. "Kupo!" 


	13. Leo

The party passed back through the portal, minus Cid IV. Edgar, now restored to his normal form, looked around the castle. "We're back," he said. He turned to the rest of the group. "Thanks for your help in getting me back to normal," he said. "I'd like to come with you, but I've got duties to attend to in Figaro." 

As Edgar walked off, Hanpan scratched his tail. "Maybe he's a secret character," he mused. 

"Don't say that," Emiko advised. "If you start a false rumor, he'll fall under the control of Angol Fred." 

"Now what are we kupto?" Mog asked. 

"Well, we've got the Cross," Rufus said. "Let's go have a talk with Ultros." 

*** * ***

Kefka stared apprehensively at the shadowy figure in front of him. It -- Kefka could not tell whether it was male or female -- was shrouded in black clothing and wore a dark hood that covered all of its face except for the eyes. In one hand, the figure carried a long throwing knife, and around its waist it wore a belt containing a variety of poisons and various painful-looking implements. All in all, it looked like Gogo's evil twin. "So what do you want me to do?" he asked. "I was dead, you know. It wasn't actually that bad, being dead. But I miss getting to burn villages and torture innocent townspeople." 

"Here's what you're doing," the figure cut in, glancing around the penthouse of the Fanatics' Tower. "You're familiar with Mog, Relm, and Gau, aren't you?" 

"All too well," Kefka replied. "I hate moogles. I hate hate hate hate them! I want to kill them and cut out their furry little guts and use them for lawn ornaments." 

"Good. Now here's the plan. You're going to wait outside the Coliseum for Mog and his friends. They're in a large group with a lot of characters from other games. They have an artifact called the Cross. I want that." 

"Can I kill them too?" Kefka asked eagerly. 

"You can try. They've got some duplicated Goat Dolls, though, so it won't do much good. All I want is the Cross." 

The figure walked outside the penthouse. "Who are you, anyway?" Kefka asked. 

The figure turned. "You can call me Agent Karsten." Then it turned and jumped down off the roof of the tower. 

*** * ***

Zed was running out of the air in the closet. He tried to carve an opening in the wall behind with his sword, but the wall was reinforced from behind and made little progress. Zed was convinced that there was absolutely no way out of the closet. He was going to die in here. 

*** * ***

Kefka crouched on the roof of the Coliseum, waiting. This was getting boring. He felt like burning something. Then he noticed several figures approaching on the horizon. As they approached, he could tell that one of them was short and white: a Moogle. Kefka guessed that it most be Mog and the others he was looking for. And for Kefka, a guess was a good enough excuse to go on a rampage. 

As the group approached, Kefka cast an invisbility spell on himself. Then he hopped down and stood motionless by the door of the Coliseum. 

"Ultros better know what he's talking about," Sabin said as they approached. 

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning shot by his face, only narrowly missing him. "I must be losing my touch," a disembodied voice muttered. 

"Kefka!" Cid VI exclaimed, recognizing the voice. 

Relm grabbed her paintbrush and started sketching something out in the air. "Hey! Wait!" Kefka exclaimed. "What are you doing? You can't sketch me! I'm i-" Kefka's voice suddenly broke off as everything turned to giant pixels. 

Rudy tried to run from the battle, but he seemed to frozen in place. Then everything went black and he felt himself fall down. He now had 0 HP, but seemed to still be alive. A screeching sound came from nowhere. "Help!" Rudy cried. 

Then everything seemed to be back to normal, or at least relatively so. Rudy could see again, but he has halfway buried in a mound of Excalibur swords. Where Gau had been standing moments before now stood Kefka. 

"Hey, where am I?" Kefka asked. "How did I wind up with you losers?" 

"I'm not sure," Cait Sith admitted. "This is highly peculiar." 

"It appears that there has been a severe glitch," Red XIII said. "At least, I don't remember bringing several thousand Dirks with me." 

"This sucks; I'm outta here," Kefka declared. He turned to walk away from the party and collided with an invisible barrier. He stumbled backwards, dazed. "What was that?" he asked. 

"Sorry, you're stuck with us," Jane said. "Once you join the party, you cannot leave except by death. Illogical plot devices might be needing to get around your personal problems, but you *are* coming with us." 

"I hate this," Kefka said. "Where are we going?" 

"First we're going to give the Cross to Ultros, then we're going to go fight General Leo." 

"Leo," Kefka muttered. "I hate him! I hate hate hate hate hate him! This might not be so bad after him if I can kick Leo's sorry do-gooder rear." 

*** * ***

Ultros held the Cross in one of his tentacles and turned it over and over. "This does appear to be the Cross, all right," he said, examining the artifact carefully. 

"Of course it is, you stupid octopus," Cait Sith said. "We've spent two and half chapters looking for it. Now what's this big fat secret of yours? Where's Leo?" 

"He's on a small forested island northwest of Gau's father's house," Ultros said. "Look for his golden dragon." 

"Finally," Jane said. "Now let's go find Leo and Aerith, recover the gems, and get this stupid story over with." 

The group headed back to the Protowing and flew out over the World of Ruin. A short distance northwest of Gau's father's house was a rocky circular island covered with a few pine trees. "There it is," Pesmerga said. "I don't see anybody, though." 

Rudy landed the Protowing on the island. The group got out and Rufus unloaded some Shinra Golden Dragon Bait from the trunk. He threw the bait out on the rocky ground. "This should help," he said. "Now we just have to wait." 

Cait Sith opened the trunk back open and took out a hammock. He strung it up between two trees, grabbed a bag of donuts, and climbed in. His moogle reclined against one of the trees under the hammock. "Let me know when the fight starts," he said. 

A huge gold dragon head on a long neck snaked out from between the trees. It snatched the bag of donuts away from Cait Sith and retreated. 

"It's started," Jack advised. 

The golden dragon lumbered out of the trees with the bag of donuts dangling from its mouth. "My, what big teeth you have," Cait Sith said. "Can I have my donuts back?" 

General Leo wandered out from the trees, carrying his crystal sword. He looked at the dragon with the donut bag dangling from its teeth. "No!" he said sharply. "Bad dragon! No donuts until you find Vicks and Wedge." 

Vicks and Wedge dropped out of a tree, armed with Magitek cannons. "Looking for us?" Vicks asked. The two pointed their cannons at Leo's golden dragon. "Don't move or the dragon's dust." 

Leo looked around. "They're here!" he shouted. "Aerith!" 

Aerith ran out of the trees, armed with her staff. "Yes, Master?" she asked in a monotone voice. 

"Get them!" Leo commanded, pointed at Vicks, Wedge, and the party. 

"Hey, what's Kefka doing here?" Wedge asked, looking over at the ex-general. 

"Keep your gun pointed at the dragon!" Vicks urged. 

"Who are you?" Rudy asked. 

"That's Vicks and Wedge," Cid VI said. "They seem to be on our side." 

"What happened to Jessie?" Red XIII asked Vicks and Wedge. 

"She was a poser," Vicks said. "She didn't possess our regenerative powers. We can get killed over and over but we keep coming back. It does get kind of repititious after a while, though." 

While Vicks and the others were talking, Leo twirled his sword and used his Shock attack. A field of red energy rose out of the ground, knocking Jane into a tree and melting Pesmerga's sword. 

Aerith raised her staff. "Emerald Weapon!" she shouted, casting a call spell. 

The entire island started to shake. Cid VII swore as a massive crack opened in the ground and the Emerald Weapon emerged. 

"Something's up with Aerith," Vicks said, trying to put his finger on what was bugging him. "I've got it!" he said, snapping his fingers. He darted by the Emerald Weapon and stunned Aerith with a quick tap on the head from his gun. Vicks pulled a small metal device off her head. "Slave Crown," he said. 

Meanwhile, the Emerald Weapon stomped towards Kefka. Kefka cast Fallen One on the Emerald Weapon, taking it down to 1 HP. Confused, the Emerald Weapon paused in its attacks. 

Vicks made a few quick adjustments to Aerith's Slave Crown and then put it back on her head. "Yes, O great master?" Aerith said. "Your will is my command." 

"Get Leo," Vicks said. Aerith raised her staff and the Emerald Weapon stomped towards Leo. 

Leo casually tossed his sword at the Emerald Weapon. The sword struck the Weapon in the gem in its chest. The Weapon (which still had only 1 HP) exploded in a shower of parts. 

Cait Sith jumped out of his hammock. "How do you expect me to get any sleep with all this noise and this rain of scrap metal?" he asked irritably. "And where are my donuts?" 

"The dragon's got 'em," Rufus explained. "Go get 'em." He grabbed Cait Sith by the fur on the back of his neck and hurled him at the golden dragon. Cait Sith bounced off the dragon's torso. The dragon was holding the bag of donuts in one hand and eating them with the other. 

"Hey, give me my donuts back," Cait Sith, grabbing the donuts possessively away from the dragon. 

The dragon roared and swallowed Cait Sith whole. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" C.S. shouted. "I'm a busy guy. I don't have time to sit around in your stomach. I could sue you for this, you know. LAWYERS!" 

Summoned by the very mention of their names, a hunting pack of lawyers emerged from the depths of the earth in a shower of flame. "Ahhh... mortals," one of the lawyers said. "I vant to suck your money!" 

"No!" Leo exclaimed. "Not lawyers!" 

"Hey, Leo, didn't you forget to file a resurrection permit?" Wedge shouted loudly. 

In one mass, the lawyers charged towards Leo, waving books of regulations and briefcases. Leo ran out of sight, being relentless pursued by the lawyers, all armed with Coin Toss relics. 

"I think that's the last we'll be seeing of him," Jane said, watching Leo disappear. 

"Hey! Somebody get me out of here!" Cait Sith shouted from inside the golden dragon's stomach. 

Cecilia gave the dragon the Heimlich manuever and Cait Sith flew out. "What a shame," Rufus said. "I was hoping he could be a sacrifice to the cause." 

"Where are my donuts?" Cait Sith demanded. He grabbed the empty donut bag away from the dragon. "Those were MY donuts," he said angrily. 

"He's actually kind of cute," Relm said, looking at the dragon. "I think I'll keep him. What should I name him?" 

"Jim-Bob," Kefka suggested. 

"Jim-Bob it is," Relm said. "Come along, Jim-Bob. We've got to get back to Thamasa." 

"Yeah, me too," Cid VI said. "It's been nice meeting you." He shook Cid VII's hand. "Maybe we can have a Cid convention sometime." 

"That's the @#@#in' stupidest idea I've ever heard," Cid VII commented. 

"Wait!" Hanpan shouted as Relm and Cid VI hopped on Jim-Bob the dragon to fly away. "What's that around its neck?" 

Relm unfastened the chain around the dragon's neck. On the end of the chain was a green gem. "That's the Gem of Hope!" 

"We really need that," Emiko said. "Will you give it to us?" 

"Sure," Relm said, tossing the gem. "Take it." 

"Now we're only missing one gem," Rudy said. "Where is it?" 

"I thought Aerith had it," Rufus said. 

The group turned to look at Aerith, who was still slightly dazed. "Oh... sure, you can have it," Aerith said, handing them the red Gem of Love. "And thanks a lot for freeing me from Angol Fred's control." 

Emiko took the three gems and examined them. "Here they are," he said with satisfaction. "The three gems of the Guardian Amulet." 

"Yeah, but what about the Amulet itself?" Jane asked. 

"Didn't Angol Fred have that?" Hanpan asked. "When we saw him in the Ancient Castle?" 

"Angol Fred's up to no good," Aerith interrupted. "The Guardian Amulet is just part of his larger scheme. He's been resurrecting dead characters all over the place to serve him. I can't remember any more than that... I've kind of lost my memory. But you've got to stop him." 

Rudy nodded. "Where is he now?" 

"He's in the Chrono Trigger world," Vicks cut in. "You see, we exist simultaneously in several worlds. Right now he's in 12,000 B.C., looking for Schala." 

"He's probably trying to collect some new generals," Aerith said. "C'mon, we've got to stop him and get your Guardian Amulet back." She climbed into the Protowing. 

"Yeah, let's go," Jack said. The rest of the group climbed into the Protowing and took off in pursuit of Angol Fred and the Guardian Amulet. 


	14. The Search for Schala

The Protowing landed in the world of Chrono Trigger, circa 1000 A.D. Rudy parked the vehicle near a large fairground. "Uh... no offense or anything, but how we going to get to 12,000 B.C.?" he asked Emiko as they disembarked. The ever-expanding group now included Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid VII, Mog, Sabin, Kefka, Wedge, Vicks, and Aerith. 

"There's a time machine in this world," Emiko said. "We need to obtain it." 

"I have to go to the bathroom," Jack complained. 

"Oh, knock it off," Jane said. "Nobody ever has to go to the bathroom in video games." 

"Something's wrong at the Fair," Wedge said suddenly. "Some Reptites just came out of the Telepod." 

"What are Reptites?" Aerith asked. 

"It sounds like a skin disease, kupo," Mog said. 

"They're half human, half reptile," Hanpan said sagely. "They shouldn't be in this time period. Let's go check it out." 

The party, led by Wedge and Vicks, crested the hill and hurried towards the Millenial Fair. "Our other selves are trying to hold them off in the center of the fair," Vicks said. "I'm not sure how long we can stop them, though." 

They pushed through the gate to the fairgrounds. "This reminds of the Ruin Festival," Cecilia observed. "But this is so much bigger." 

"@#@#!" Cid swore. "Don't you @#@! Wild Arms people have any @^$#$in' original ideas?" 

The Chrono Trigger versions of Wedge and Vicks -- taller, and in purple uniforms -- rushed down from the upper level of the fair, with a horde of green Reptites chasing after them. "It's no good," both Wedges said. "We can't stop them." 

Another human was standing on the bell, behind the Reptites, looking just like the Chrono Trigger Vicks and Wedge. "Piette!" Vickses said. "We should never have trusted him!" 

"Mwah ha ha!" Piette gloated, holding up a silver key. "I swiped the Gate Key and let all the Reptites in from 65 million B.C. Agent Karsten will reward me handsomely!" 

"Karsten again," Sabin muttered. 

"I REALLY have to go the bathroom," Jack said. 

"There's some Port-a-Potties over there," Pesmerga said helpfully, pointing to a row of six blue Port-a-Potties near Norstein Bekkler's place. 

Jack ran towards them. Hanpan jumped off his shoulder and flew back to join the rest of the group. "Hey, I've got an idea," Hanpan said, hovering in front of Rudy. "Let's go hide in those other Port-a-Potties." 

CT-Wedge and CT-Vicks stood their ground against the Reptites while the rest of the party ran for the Port-a-Potties. CT-Wedge cast Luminaire on the oncoming Reptites. A number of them were incinerated by the blazing dome, but the remaining Reptites trampled over CT-Wedge and CT-Vicks. 

"We seem to have died again," FF6-Wedge observed. 

"And just when I thought Chrono Trigger was a nice, safe, happy, place," Vicks muttered. 

The party reached the Port-a-Potties and crowded inside them, slamming the doors shut. "Hey, watch the hair, kupo," Mog said. 

There was a pause as they listened to the sounds on the Reptites wrecking havoc on the fair outside. "They'll go away eventually," Red XIII said. "Then we can leave." 

"You mean we don't get to kill any of them?" Kefka asked. 

In another Port-a-Potty, Cid was cramped up against the back wall by Pesmerga and Cait Sith. "Tight places give me the willies," he complained. "I think I'll have a smoke." 

"No!" Pesmerga shouted as Cid reached for his lighter. "WAIT! Don't -!" 

But it was too late. Cid flicked on the lighter. There was the brief, ominous, pause, that always occurs before chaos strikes, then the row of Port-a-Potties exploded brilliantly in a huge column of flame. The explosion blew wood and plastic twenty feet into the air, spewing it all over the fairgrounds, or what used to be the fairgrounds. The explosion had carved out a thirty-foot deep crater in the ground, all filled with blazing rubble. 

Hanpan crawled out of the roll of toilet paper he had been hiding in. "I think I've sustained a debilitating head injury," he said. 

Rufus's head poked out of a mound of styrofoam peanuts. He spit out a wad of peanuts, smoothed his hair, and looked around. "This is your fault, isn't it?" he snapped at Cait Sith, who had already emerged from the wreckage. 

"No, it was Joe Camel over there," C.S. said, looking at Cid, who was puffing on his cigarette. 

A mound of Spam rippled and Kefka crawled up through it. "Fire!! Fire!! That was cool!" he laughed. "Maybe you guys aren't so bad after all." 

Three figures appeared at the top of the crater and descended its rim to the disarrayed party. It was Crono, Marle, and Lucca. "That was an interesting way of dealing with the situation," Lucca said. "I think it violates some sort of county ordinance, though." 

"Hi, who are you?" Cecilia asked. 

"I'm Lucca, and these are Marle and Crono," Lucca said, nodding to her companions. 

"Hi," Marle said. Crono said nothing. 

"Doesn't he talk?" Rudy blurted, pointing at Crono. 

"No," Marle admitted. 

"You should talk," Hanpan said to Rudy. "Did you ever say anything yourself?" 

"I said something once... I know I did. Oh yeah, that's right! In the Volcannon Trap!" 

A large red robot on a single wheel rolled up behind Crono, Marle, and Lucca. "Oh... Gato," Lucca said. 

A circular panel on Gato's chest opened and a small metal platform with a microphone on it slid out. Gato took the microphone and began to sing in a metallic-sounding voice. "I've seen a flood and a supernova... but there's nothing else quite like Jenova..." 

Rufus shrieked and burrowed back into the mound of rubble. "Hey, who put that song on?" Lucca wondered aloud. "That's not supposed to be there." She removed a screwdriver from under her green hat and unscrewed a square panel on Gato's back. She pushed a few buttons attached to the small monitor inside Gato. 

"Karsten...?" she read. "Who's Karsten?" 

"Agent Karsten," Aerith repeated. "Karsten's working for Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors. He's stolen the Guardian Amulet and we're trying to get it back from him." 

"Angol Fred," Marle said aloud. "Angol Fred. I know I've heard that name somewhere before." 

"He just said it, that's where," Cait Sith said. 

"SHUT UP, Cait," Rufus repeated, having reemerged from the rubble. 

There was a puff of white smoke and a furry white Kilwala appeared in the middle of the group. "Howdy, folks!" he announced. "I'm Spekkio, the Master of War!" 

"Spekkio? What are you doing here?" Marle asked. 

Crono still didn't say anything. 

"I'm after some Angel Fred guy or somethin'," Spekkio muttered. 

"You mean ANGOL Fred?" Jane asked. 

"Yeah, whatever. He rushed into the Ends of Time and punched out Gaspar. Right in the middle of our Monopoly game, too. I even had two hotels on the Boardwalk and everythin'. Anyway, so Angus Fred -" 

"Angol," Jane corrected. 

"Right. Angol Fred. I tried to stop him with a little bit of my Spekkio magic -- you know, ipso factso, mipso dipso, that sort of thing -- but he took out a gun and shot out the bulb in the lamppost. Do you know how much those infinitely burning light bulbs cost to buy? Not to mention all the budget cuts we've been getting. I tell ya, those time-space continuum regulatory folks have less common sense put together than I have in my kneecap. Not that I have a kneecap, of course. Uh, where was I?" 

"You were talking about Angol Fred," Red XIII prompted. 

"Oh. Right. Anyway, so this Wrangle Fred -" 

"It's Angol Fred," Jane interrupted. 

"Yeah. So Angol Fred pushes by me and heads for the time gate to 12,000 B.C. Then he suddenly stops and asks me where Schala is. Of course I don't tell him because he just punched out Gaspar, tipped over our Monopoly game -- I was the dog, you know --, and shot out the lightbulb in the lamppost. So yells at me and then goes through the gate anyway. I came here to get some help. Uh, who are you people anyway?" 

Rudy introduced them. "Spiffy," Spekkio said when they had finished. "So you're after this Airball Fred, too?" 

"Angol," Jane said automatically. 

"Sure. Angol Fred. So why don't we go look for this guy together?" 

"The party expands yet again," Hanpan noted drily. 

"I think we've got some cleaning up to do here," Marle said, looking around the rubble. "But you can take the Epoch." 

*** * ***

After many trips back and forth in the Epoch, hauling three people at a time, the party finally assembled in the Commons in 12,000 B.C. 

"So where IS Schala?" Rudy asked Spekkio. 

"The last I checked, she's in the Undersea Palace," Spekkio said, pacing back and forth. "But that's way under the water." 

"We do have that Underwater Breath Materia still," Rufus said. 

"No good," Spekkio mused. "We won't be able to get down to the ocean floor without a submarine. Currents 'n all, y'know." The Kilwala continued to space. "I've got it! The Red Rock!" 

"The what?" Aerith asked. 

"The Red Rock," Spekkio said. "With the Red Rock, we can raise the Undersea Palace right out of the water. Ha! Mongol Fred won't be expecting to that!" 

"Listen... to... me..." Jane said slowly, enunciating each word. "The... name... is... Angol... Fred... thank... you... very... much..." 

"The only problem is finding the rock," Spekkio said. "It's somewhere in this time period. Can't remember for the life of me..." 

"I want to kill something," Kefka said. "When do I get to kill something?" 

"Why don't you take your anger out on a CAT or something," Rufus said suggestively. 

"Hey, that's a good idea," Kefka said. Ignoring Cait Sith, he shot a blast of flame at a purple cat passing by. The cat jumped out of the way of the spell and hid behind a rock. 

"Uh... that's not -" Rufus what started to say. 

"That's it!" Spekkio exclaimed. "I need to get a little lightbulb to appear over my head," he muttered to himself. "Young Janus had the Red Rock! And that's his cat Alfador. Okay, here's my plan. You there, the red fellow." 

"You mean me?" Red XIII asked. 

"Yeah, you," Spekkio said. "Scare that cat." 

Red XIII gave the Kilwala a questioning look, but padded silently towards the shaken cat. Red XIII crept up to the rock Alfador was still hiding behind, then suddenly jumped over it, snarling. Alfador darted up a nearby tree. 

"Hey, thanks for getting rid of that cat, Mister," an Earthbound kid said, running up to Pesmerga. "Here, you can have this. I found it on the ground after Zeal blew up." The kid handed a jagged purple sword -- the Stingray Sword -- to Pesmerga. 

Suddenly, a blue portal opened across the Commons and Janus stepped out. "Hey, you," he shouted at Red XIII. "Leave my cat alone!" 

"Uh-oh," Cait Sith said. "Time for a fight. This is where I hit the road." The cat hopped out of the Commons on his moogle. 

Pesmerga raised his new Stingray Sword. "Hey, you can't fight him," Vicks protested. "He's just some kid." 

"Just some kid?" Janus said angrily. "For that, I'll give you a taste of my Moonlight Magic. Solar Inferno!" 

A huge purple rift opened in the sky and flames began to pour out. Cecilia and Emiko together sent a ball of lightning spinning up into the rift. The lighting melded with the opening in the sky and sealed it. 

Janus turned and fled from the party, racing out of the Commons in the same direction as Cait Sith. Janus collided with the large moogle. Cait Sith stared down at him. "Oh no!" he shouted to his moogle. "A fight! What are we gonna do?" 

The stuffed moogle did not reply. 

Janus kicked the moogle in its stomach. It doubled over, dropping Cait Sith headfirst out onto the snow behind Janus. The cat rolled to his feet. "Uh... Slot!" he shouted. A slot machine dropped out of the sky and landed next to Cait. The wheels started spinning. 

Cait Sith and Janus both anxiously watched the slot machine. The first wheel stopped on a face. So did the second wheel. C.S. grinned and clenched his fists in anticipation. 

The third wheel stopped on a bar. 

"No!" Cait shouted. "Not Death Joker!" 

Then Cid was there, holding out a magnet. The last wheel of the slot machine slowly turned and grinded to a halt on another face. 

"Hey! Three faces! How often do you see that happen?" Cait Sith exclaimed excitedly. 

"Not @#$in' frequently enough," Cid said. "Sorry, Cait, but you're only slightly less incompetent than Edward the Bard." 

"Okay, okay, you win," Janus grumbled, sitting in the snow with his head down. "What do you want?" 

"Do you have that Red Rock you used to have?" Spekkio asked, wandering up. 

"Yeah, but you can't have it," Janus said. 

"We're not asking you," Rufus said. "You ARE giving us the rock." 

"Why should I give it to you?" Janus asked. "All you did was chase my cat around, call me a stupid kid, and cheat on a slot machine." 

"Kid, don't make me do something I might later regret," Cid said through clenched teeth. 

Jack approached Janus and Hanpan dropped from Jack's shoulder to the snow. "Hi, I'm Hanpan, the magic rat," Hanpan said, winking at Jack. "Would you like to see a magic trick? For the trick, I'm going to need a large rock. Do you happen to have one?" 

"Hey, Mister, is this your pet?" Janus asked Jack. "Can I touch him?" 

The forest fell deathly quiet. "What?" Janus asked, confused. 

"You said the magic word," Jane explained. 

Hanpan drew himself up to a full fourteen inches. "I'M NOT A PET!!!" he roared in Janus's face. 

Janus burst into tears and fled from sight. "Now you've done it, Hanpan," Sabin said. "We'll never get that rock back now." 

"Get over here," Jack snapped, using his Vacuum Fast Draw. Janus was sucked back into view and hurtled towards Jack about a foot off the ground, snapping branches off trees. He landed on his back at Jack's feet. 

"All right, all right, take the rock," Janus sobbed. He reached into his tunic and dropped a small piece of Dreamstone on the ground. Then he fled. 

"Hey! Kid! Wanna join the Pen 15 club?" Hanpan shouted after him. "Special free admittance for people who call me a pet!" 

"Leave him alone, Hanpan," Jack said. "He didn't know." 

Hanpan snorted, folded his arms, and retreated with disgust back into Jack's coat. "I wonder if that was the proper way to do things," Spekkio said aloud. 

"The ends justify the means," Kefka said. "I kind of enjoyed it." 

"You would," Rufus said. 

Spekkio took the Red Rock and walked to the shore. "Ispo mipso, facto macto, MAGICO!" he shouted. There was a flash of bright red light. The entire ground began to shake and huge waves pummeled the shore. Far on the horizon, the Undersea Palace / Black Omen began to rise from the depths of the sea. 

*** * ***

Rudy and Jack took the lead as the group explored the (formerly) Undersea Palace. Spekkio trotted along at their feet, giving directions. "Okay, we take a right here," he instructed. 

The group turned through a door to another blue marble bridge over a pool of white liquid. "This place looks familiar," Cecilia said, examining with fascination her surroundings. "It almost looks like... Ka Dingel." 

"When was the last time you losers had an original thought?" Kefka asked. 

"Monsters!" Rudy cautioned. Several Flyclops hovered just beyond the door to the next room. He and Jack darted through the door to a wide room divided in the center by a blue marble pillar. 

Rudy ran around the left side of the pillar, blasting at the Flyclops with the Prism Ray. Jack took the right side. A Flyclops swooped down towards him. Hanpan jumped from Jack's shoulder, landed on top of the Flyclops, and reached into its pocket. 

"Uh-o -" Hanpan began. Small white symbols began to spew out of the Flyclops's pocket and landed all over the floor. They seemed to be mostly white wavy lines and what looked like a knight's helmet. "Glitch!" 

Jack soon found himself buried under a coat of the symbols. "Hey, I got something!" Hanpan exclaimed, pulling a black sword out of the pocket. "This must be the WoLfLobe Sword! Looks like Angol Fred's been up to his usual tricks." Hanpan tossed the sword to Jack, who used it and the Gamma Sword to cut down the remaining Flyclops. 

"What's all that noise out there?" a voice asked. The door opened and a mostly-bald head poked out. "Yikes! It's them!" The door slammed shut again. From behind it, there were sounds of breaking glass and metallic clanking. 

"Hey, was that Palmer?" Rufus asked, racing past Rudy and Jack and holding his shotgun ready to fire. He threw open the doors and pointed the gun into the room beyond. 

Palmer was gone. In the middle of the room sat what looked like a dentist's chair. A wide variety of tubes were connected to the chair and ran into the wall and out of the room. Some of the tubes ended with nasty-looking syringes. Strapped into the chair was none other than Schala. 

Vicks ran to her and checked her pulse. "Alive," he reported. "Alive, but unconscious." 

"This all seems vaguely familiar," Aerith said dreamily. "I know there's something I should be remembering..." 

"Oooh! Look! A Vote Palmer phone card!" Cait Sith said eagerly. He grabbed a small plastic card off the floor. "I always wanted one of these!" 

Red XIII looked at another card underneath the phone card. "It's Palmer's business card," he noted. "It's even got his phone number and everything." 

"This could be useful," Rufus said, picking it up. 

"Leave this to me," Cait Sith, grabbing the phone card and running out of the room. He quickly located a phone booth, ducked in, and, using the Vote Palmer phone card, dialed the number of Palmer's business card. "Gosh, these transdimensional phone lines are really something," he said aloud as he waited for a response. 

"Hello? Palmer speaking, may I help you?" Palmer answered the phone on the third ring. 

"Hi, I'm from Chocobo Bell, your local telephone company," Cait Sith said. "We're doing some work on the phone lines. Please do not answer the phone within the next half-hour or the person on the other end will be electrocuted. Thank you for your cooperation." He then hung up before Palmer could reply. 

"Now we wait," Cait Sith told the others. 

There was a pause. "While we're waiting, let's see what else is around here," Sabin said. He opened one of three doors leading out of the room and peered inside. 

It was a bathroom. Sabin shut the door and opened the one next to it. He found himself staring at the face of a Chocobo. "Wark!" the Chocobo said. 

"Chocobo stable," Sabin explained, slamming the door. A faint "wark!" was heard through the door. 

"And behind door number 3...." Spekkio said dramatically, flinging open the third door. He looked inside. "The Mammon Machine!" he exclaimed. 

"The what?" Aerith asked as they all crowded around inside the doorway. 

"I've seen this before," Jane said, staring at the huge machine. "I think it was on some Discovery Channel special. But wasn't it destroyed?" 

"It must be Angol Fred's work," Emiko said. "We'll have to destroy it." 

"Not so fast," Spekkio said. "We'd need the Masamune to do that. Best leave it alone." 

A faint voice was heard. "I've seen a flood and a supernova.... but there's nothing else quite like Jenova.... I've travelled the world from end to end..." 

The group -- except for Rufus, who had passed out on the floor -- turned. Sephiroth was walking up through the halls of the Undersea Palace towards them. "..and Jenova World's the Seph-iest place in the land. Looks like you could use my help," he said, tossing and catching the Masamune. 

"Sold," Cait Sith said. 

"What?" Sephiroth asked. 

"Junon," he explained. "It's yours." 

"Great," Seph said nonchalantly. "All right, then." Sephiroth raised the Masamune over his head with one hand, then hurled it at the Mammon Machine. The blade slit into the top of the machine. A pyramid of greenish-yellow light formed around it. 

The Mammon Machine began to emit thick clouds of an unhealthy-looking black smoke. "Doesn't this violate some sort of emissions standard?" Hanpan asked as they fled. 

The Mammon Machine began to rock back and forth, and the top rattled up and down. Then it blew off completely in a shower of sparks. "That looks like my microwave the time I put a can of orange juice in it," Cait Sith said. 

"Shut up, idiot," Hanpan snapped. 

Rufus sat up. "What's all that noise?" he asked. "What's Sephiroth doing with us?" 

"It's a long story," Cecilia said quickly. She turned to Red XIII, who happened to be standing next to her. "Should we tell him?" she whispered. 

"Probably not," Red XIII advised. "He might really lose it." 

Sephiroth went to retrieve the Masamune from the side of the Mammon Machine. As he slid out of the metal shell of the machine, he happened to look in the obliterated top. "Come take a look at this," he said. 

Cait Sith hurried up and peered inside. Shifting inside the top of the machine was a semi-translucent rippling pool of green and blue. "Oooh, pretty," he said. "It looks like something from Earthbound." 

"That's a transdimensional portal if I ever saw one," Emiko said from behind. 

"Should we see where it leads?" Wedge asked. 

"Hold on, I've got something to attend to," C.S. said. He ran back to the phone, hopped off his moogle in order to fit into the phone booth, and dialed Palmer again. 

"Hello?" Palmer answered. 

" **Aieeeeeeeee!** " Cait Sith screamed and dropped the receiver. He then collapsed in hysterics on the floor. 

"Clever, but did that accomplish anything?" Red XIII asked him. 

The phone rang. "I'll get it!" C.S. shouted, reaching for the phone. 

"No, I will!" Red XIII, pouncing and knocking Cait down. He reached up with his front paws to try to get the phone. 

Cait grabbed his megaphone and clobbered Red XIII on the head with it. "It's MINE!" he yelled, getting up and standing on Red XIII's head. 

"No!" Red XIII grabbed C.S.'s feet, rolled, and threw him out of the phone booth. Red then climbed to all four feet and reached for the phone. Cait Sith dived back into the booth, grabbed Red XIII by his tail, and started dragging him backwards. 

Red managed to grab the phone in his forepaws. "Hello? This is directory assistance," he asked politely as C.S. continued to drag him across the floor. 

"Uh, I think I just electrocuted someone," a confused Palmer replied. 

"Where are you calling from?" Red XIII asked. 

"Malduke, in Filgaia," Palmer said. 

"All right, thank you. We'll check out the situation." Red then hung up. 

"That was mine," Cait pouted. 

The pair returned to where the others were waiting at the Mammon Machine. Red gave them a thumbs-up. "Palmer's in Malduke, in Filgaia," he reported. 

"Malduke?" Rudy, Jack, and Cecilia said in surprise. 

"All right," Spekkio said. "Now we know where this Mango Fred's headquarters is. Let's go get him." 

"It's ANGOL Fred," Jane said as they climbed through the portal. 


	15. Y-U-F-F-I-E

The party emerged on the other side of the portal. They were standing on the seafloor in the middle of some crumbling ruins. The ruins all appeared to have been part of a large structure with a marble floor and walls. Arms and other assorted parts of statues littered the region. 

"Good thing we still had the Underwater Breath Materia," Rufus said to nobody in particular. 

"This is... Ka Dingel," Emiko said in astonishment. "Or what's left of it, anyway." 

"That's convenient," Jack said. "If the Dimensional Elevator is still working, we can take it right to Malduke." 

"Don't get your hopes up," Rudy said, looking around the scattered parts of the tower. 

"I _love_ that name," Cait Sith. "Ka Dingel! Ka Dingel! Ka Dingel!" 

"Shut up," Rufus snapped. 

The party split up to explore the ruins of Ka Dingel and search for the Dimensional Elevator, while remaining close enough together that the Underwater Breath Materia would still work. Wandering into what apparently used to be a small room of some sort, Jack noticed a stone tablet embedded in the seafloor. He walked over to examine it. "Reach for the highest skies to unleash the ultimate fiery blast," the tablet said. Jack pondered the message and then formulated a new Fast Draw technique -- Heaven's Flare. 

"Is this it, kupo?" Mog shouted, pointing at a piece of an orange symbol on a slab of marble. The others ran to his location. 

"@#!" Cid swore, looking at the slab. "It's broken!" 

"Do you think Emma could fix it?" Jack suggested. 

Hanpan looked up into the endless waters above them. "Feel like swimming?" he asked in reply. 

They stood staring at the broken Dimensional Elevator for a while, until Red XIII spoke. "I try to save this for emergencies, but I think this is one," he said, unhooking a small green vial from a clasp on his arm band. A label on the side of it read "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE... JUST ADD WATER." 

Red XIII opened the vial and poured out a small portion of the green liquid onto the ground. It swirled out and dissolved in the water. A few minutes passed, and then Bartholomew approached in a diving suit. 

"Rudy? Jack? Cecilia? What are you doing here? And who are all these people?" 

"It's a long story," Jack said. "We'll explain it all later. Can you haul us up to the surface?" 

*** * ***

"Emma detected a dimensional tear on the seafloor and sent me down to invesigate," Bartholomew explained as the last member of the group were pulled up onto the Sweet Candy by the ship's crew. "Looks like I had pretty good timing." 

"Yeah," Rudy agreed, not mentioning Red XIII's convenient Instant Plot Device. "I'll explain what we're up to, but for right now, can you take us back to Adlehyde? We need to talk to Emma." 

"Sure," Bartholomew said. "I was headed there anyways." 

As the Sweet Candy set off for Adlehyde, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, and Jane went down to Bartholomew's cabin to give him the complete story. They had just reached the battle with Yuber when the ship was suddenly rocked from side to side as a massive wave rippled through the sea. 

Rudy and the others raced out into the hall and headed for the stairs to the deck. Before they got there, one wall of the ship suddenly exploded inwards. They stared out the gaping hole. Rising above the water were the head and upper torso over Earth Golem, and standing on his shoulders was a shark wearing a red cape and holding a nasty-looking hook on a chain. It was Jonathan Jones from Mario RPG. 

"Earth Golem!" Cecilia exclaimed. "But -" 

"Mwah ha ha!" the shark laughed. "It serves Angol Fred now! The cells even work on Golems!" 

"Cells? What is he talking about?" Bartholomew asked. 

Jack shrugged and reached for his sword. "We can't fight Earth Golem!" Cecilia protested. 

"He's under Angol Fred's control now," Jack said. "There's nothing we can do about it. Besides, it's not really Earth Golem." He turned towards Earth Golem and cast Cosmic Nova. The wave of fire exploded against Earth Golem... and vanished. 

"The Anti-Phasing Shields!" Jack said. "I forgot about that!" 

"Did you ever install that secret weapon we talked about?" Jane asked Bartholomew. 

Johnny threw his hook at Jack, who nimbly dodged aside. The hook hit the wall behind him, smashing a closet door in. 

Zed barreled from the closet. "At last!" he shouted. "I'm free!" 

"Zed?" Rudy said incredulously. 

"Ha ha!" Zed exulted. "I've come out of the closet at last... no, wait, I didn't mean that." 

"What's going on here?" Johnny demanded. 

"Away, villain, or face certain death from the Doom Bringer!" Zed said to him, drawing his sword. "I am Zed, the master ninja!" 

Johnny started charging up Earth Golem's Anti-Phasing Shields again. Zed leaped through the hole in the side of the Sweet Candy and landed on Earth Golem's left hand. He started scrambling up its left arm towards Johnny. Johnny tossed a bottle of currant juice at Zed, but Zed smashed it with sword and jumped up to Earth Golem's shoulder. 

Johnny tossed his hook at Zed. Zed deflected it with a quick backhand stroke of his sword and rushed towards Johnny. While Johnny was still recoiling his hook, Zed hit him with a Garyu Ichimongiri, knocking him off his perch on Earth Golem's shoulder. 

As he slid down the back of Earth Golem, Johnny reached for a handhold and finally caught onto the green circuits near the bottom of Earth Golem's torso. Johnny reached for the bright red wire that controlled the Anti-Phasing Shields. "Yeah... well, maybe I'll take you all with me." 

"I don't think so," Zed said, reaching up onto Earth Golem's head and pressing a large switch marked "ON/OFF". Earth Golem's head drooped down and his shoulders slumped. Then it tipped backwards into the water, with Johnny still holding on its backed. Zed dived off and splashed into the water near the Sweet Candy. 

Rudy and Bartholomew hauled him inside. "Thanks for your help," Cecilia said appreciatively. 

"It was nothing! I don't just eat guys like him for breakfast, I eat them for lunch too!" Zed said. "I'm not a ninja, but I play one on TV!" 

"Uh... that's great, Zed," Hanpan said. 

*** * ***

"What was that thing?" Sabin asked, staring down into the water. Earth Golem and Johnny had vanished from sight. 

"It was one of the Golems," Emiko explained. "Angol Fred must have resurrected it." 

"It looked like a Weapon," Rufus said. "Are you sure that wasn't a Weapon?" 

"You know, I'm beginning to have some thoughts about this so-called planet of yours," Cait Sith said. "It's more like a parallel dimension or something." 

Just then, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Jane, Bartholomew, and Zed came up on deck. "Well, that problems taken care of, thanks to Zed," Rudy reported. 

"Pleased to meet you all," Zed said. "Please form one line for my autograph." 

Nobody moved. 

"So, where were we, kupo?" Mog asked. 

"I think we were down to seventy-three bottles of beer on the wall," Cid said. 

"Remind me again why we we're singing this," Rufus said. 

"It was either that or a certain other song," Pesmerga grinned. 

"I've seen a flood and a supernova... but there's nothing else quite like Jenova..." 

*** * ***

"I'm cold," Rufus complained as they stood in the ruins of Ka Dingel. Professor Emma was investigating the broken Dimensional Elevator. 

"Maybe you shouldn't have jumped overboard when Sephiroth started singing," Cecilia pointed out. 

"Good news," Emma reported. "The damage isn't that serious. I can fix it up in no time. I'll need some help, though." 

Before she had finished talking, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, and Emiko had vanished. The others, having no idea what was going on but thinking it best to follow Rudy and co., started in a similar direction. "Hey, where did - ?" Cid started. 

Emma grabbed his arm. "Give me a hand here." 

*** * ***

"@#!" Cid swore. "I think we're done." He looked critically at the marble slab containing the Dimensional Elevator, which was now together again in one piece. 

"Good job," Emma said. "Next time try to work a little faster though." 

"Is it same to come out now?" Hanpan asked, looking out from under a collapsed pillar. 

"I think the conscription's over," Jane said. 

"You knew about this, didn't you?" Cid raged. "@#!" 

"Let's not waste time arguing," Spekkio said. "We've got to catch up Dangle Fred." 

"It's ANGOL Fred," Jane corrected him. 

"Right. Angol Fred," Spekkio said. 

"You will agree not to hold me liable if this screws up and you're stranded somewhere out on the fringes of the time-space continuum, right?" Emma asked. 

"No," Kefka said succintly. 

The group -- consisting of Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cait Sith, Cid, Red XIII, Mog, Sabin, Aerith, Sephiroth, and Spekkio -- stepped onto the crowded Dimensional Elevator. They were lifted upwards into a reddish-purple column, surrounded by a field of stars. 

They floated upwards towards Malduke, until suddenly there was a dark flash and a black-cloaked figure appeared next to them. 

"Karsten!" Wedge exclaimed. 

Sephiroth drew the Masamune. Karsten quickly flicked a glowing blue shuriken at Sephiroth. Sephiroth's ghost flickered out of existence. "Can't let you do that, Sephiroth," Karsten said. "Angol Fred has given me orders to take you down." 

"How did you know his name?" Red XIII interrupted. "Something's not right here, but I can't put my finger on it." 

"That's because you don't HAVE fingers," Mog quipped. 

"How should I kill you guys?" Karsten asked. "Knights of the Round? Nah, that might damage the Materia. I'll go with the throwing stars instead." 

"Where would Karsten get a spell like Knights of the Round?" Cait Sith said. "You're right, something is wrong here." 

There was a pause while Cait Sith and Red were thinking and Karsten was reaching for his/her throwing stars. Meanwhile, Sephiroth's ghost reappeared after its brief shift out of existence. 

"I've got it!" Cait Sith said suddenly, snapping his fingers. "The whiny voice, the throwing stars, the obsession with Materia..." C.S. and Red looked at each other. "YUFFIE?" 

"Aww, you guys are no fun," Yuffie said, ripping off her mask. 

"You traitor!" Cid spat. 

"I'm not a traitor," Yuffie said. "I never was on your side in the first place! I've been with Angol Fred all along, suckers! All I wanted was your Materia to help us with our plans!" 

"Prepare to die, vile scum," Pesmerga said, drawing the Stingray Sword. 

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and the refurbished Gelnika materialized in the Dimensional Elevator. The side doors opened and Rude and Reno hopped out, armed with large Mako guns. 

"We are the Men in Black," Reno announced. "I am Agent #, and this is Agent  &. As you can see, we've run out of letters, so we're using symbols instead. We are from an unofficial, yet highly funded, Shinra agency. And we've come to eliminate this evil spawn of Jenova." 

"You won't have Yuffie Kisaragi to kick around any more," Yuffie said desperately as Reno and Rude pointed their guns at her. 

Reno and Rude fired. Beams of green Mako energy twitched from their guns and danced around Yuffie. Yuffie glowed green and started shrinking rapidly, until she finally imploded into a green spark. 

Rude reached into his suit and produced a small silver rod. "You will have no memory of this event," he explained. "Just look into the Mako light." 

"Hold it," Rufus said, grabbing Rude's arm to stop him. "What are you guys doing here?" 

"You know we can't answer that," Reno said. "We're not even supposed to exist, remember?" 

"Oh yeah, you're right," Rufus said. "My bad." 

"Well, we'll be seeing you, then," Rude said, putting the rod away. He and Reno got back into the Gelnika. It wavered and then vanished. 

The party continued to ascend in the Dimensional Elevator until they reached Malduke. They materialized in Area 01. "Hey... we're in my tower!" Kefka exclaimed. "No, wait a second... we're not. What is this place?" 

"This is Malduke," Emiko explained. "The New Moon. A space station built by the Elw." 

"Look at the tiled metal floor! Look at the pipes you can crawl around in! You can't honestly expect to me believe you came up with this all on your own, can you?" 

"Settle down, Kefka," Sabin said. "We've got work to do." 

"Let's split up," Red XIII suggested. "It might take a while to find Angol Fred." 

"All right," Rudy said. "Jack, Hanpan, Cecilia, Emiko, Jane, Pesmerga, Spekkio, Aerith, and I will head to the Statue Area. The others will search this area and Area 11." 

"This area and Area 11. Got it," Vicks said. "Come on, Kefka." 

"Even your ladders look like mine!" Kefka was wailing. "How could you do this to me?" 

*** * ***

Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid, Mog, Sabin, Kefka, Wedge, Vicks, and Sephiroth, descended into the central regions of Malduke. "There!" Cid said, pointing at a door. "There's a light on in that room!" 

They walked quietly over to the door. Cait Sith hopped off his moogle, crawled down in front of the door, and held the large end of his megaphone up to his ear. He motioned the others to be silent. Inside the room two people were talking. "I think there's only two people in there," Cait Sith whispered to the group. "We should be able to take them." 

They drew their weapons and charged through the door. The room was a small chamber with a large monitor on one wall, currently displaying a map of Filgaia. Standing in front of the map were Voldo and.... Yuffie. 

"I knew we'd meet again," Voldo said, turning. 

"Yuffie?" Rufus exclaimed incredulously. "But...?" 

"Ha ha ha!" Yuffie gloated. "Thought you'd seen the last of me? That was my old body, Yuffie*BIRTH. But I cloned myself and created this new, more powerful, form, Yuffie*LIFE." 

Without warning, Cid lit a stick of dynamite on his cigarette and hurled it at Yuffie. Yuffie stood in the resulting explosion without flinching. "This isn't me, you fool!" Yuffie said. "This is just a projection." Then she vanished. 

Voldo sprung at Cait Sith, his claws upraised. Cait's moogle punched him to the ground, but Voldo quickly sprung up again. Mog used his ubiquitous Elf Fire dance. A circle of blue flames spun around Voldo, which only healed him. Voldo slashed at Cait Sith's moogle with his claws. Mog tried to dance the Water Rondo, but stumbled and fell on his face with a startled "Kupo!" 

Voldo turned and grabbed the moogle by his antenna, lifting him off the ground. Cait Sith summoned his slot machine and spun the dials. All three dials came out on Moogles. With a loud sucking sound, the other members of the party were all pulled into Cait's moogle and absorbed into it. The moogle rapidly grew in size, smashing through the ceiling and continuing to grow until it took up three whole floors of Malduke. 

Cait Sith, still normal size, peered down from the top of his moogle at Voldo, who was staring up at the moogle with horror. Then the moogle stepped on him. "I did it!" Cait Sith exclaimed as the moogle started shrinking back to normal size. The rest of the group reappeared next to him. "I won a fight!" 

"With some help," Rufus added. 

The image of Yuffie reappeared. "Impressive," she said. "Well, mildly impressive. But you must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance." 

Yuffie waved her boomerang and Sheng Long appeared in the room. Then she vanished again. Rufus raised his shotgun to fire at Sheng Long, but Sheng Long hit him with a Shoryuken. 

Sabin used Bum Rush and lept at Sheng Long. He spun around him several times as bright flahes of light went off. Then Sabin jumped away, leaving Sheng Long unconscious. 

*** * ***

Meanwhile, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Spekkio, and Aerith had teleported to the Statue Area of Malduke. "I've been here before," Aerith said suddenly. 

"What?" Jane asked, startled. 

"I've been here before," Aerith said. "I know I have." 

A pair of blue double doors opened and a robed figure walked through. "Arris!" Emiko exclaimed. 

"Gee, everybody's getting in on the act now," Jane said. 

Arris the Sage waved his staff and sent a fireball spinning at Emiko. Emiko cast Reflect on himself and the fireball ricocheted off at Arris. Arris cast his own Reflect spell and the fireball bounced back and forth between the pair of magic-users. 

"Ooooh! Ooooh! Me! Me!" Spekkio shouted eagerly. He waved his right hand and a glowing green tennis racket appeared in it. The Kilwala waited until the fireball was headed to Emiko, then he made his move. He jumped in front of the fireball and whacked it with the tennis racket. The fireball flew at Arris, broke through his Reflect spell, and knocked him into the wall. "15-love," Spekkio announced. "Your serve." 

Arris recovered from the blow. "This isn't the last of this, Emiko," he said. "You cannot stand against our power." 

"What's going on here?" Jack asked. 

"Arris has joined the forces of evil," Emiko said sadly. "He rolls his toilet paper over the top instead of down the back." 

Rudy and the others all gasped in horror. "That's monstrous!" Cecilia exclaimed. 

"Ha ha!" Arris laughed. "You will be converted! The lure of rolling it over the top is too great! Join the Dark Side, Emiko! It is your destiny!" Arris raised his staff over his head and used All Creation. A huge purple beam started to build up in front of him. 

Aerith quickly used Planet Protector. A series of orange stars spun around the party and they started to glow. Arris's All Creation bounced off them. "I don't want to fight you, Arris," Emiko said. He cast a Banish spell on Arris, shrinking him down to a tiny, Hanpan-sized, Arris. 

"Hey!" Arris shouted. 

"Come on," Emiko said, walking determinedly across the room and through and door through which Arris had come. "And thanks for the help, by the way," he said to Aerith. 

"No problem... but what was Arris doing with Yuffie's Limit Break? Why can't I remember?" 

As they walked into the next room, they suddenly found themselves face-to-face with a oncoming mass of blue-armored Shinra soldiers. Immediately, Jack used his Heaven's Flare Fast Draw, jumping into the air with his sword upraised. As he landed, he drove his sword into the ground. A wave of blue fire rose out of the ground and crashed over the Shinra soldiers, annihilating them. "Don't mess with me," Jack said to nobody in particular. 

"Those were Shinra soldiers!" Aerith exclaimed. "How did they get here?" 

"Who cares?" Jane replied as another group of soldiers charged up from behind and started firing. "Run!" 

The party raced for the Malduke transport system with an increasing group of Shinra soldiers chasing them. 

*** * ***

"Hey, what's this?" Wedge asked, picking up a silvery helmet with a blue visor. A wire ran from the helmet to the computer built into the wall below the monitor, but was not plugged in. 

"It's probably some sort of virtual reality helmet or something," Red XIII suggested. 

"Cool, let's try it out," Wedge said, plugging the helmet's cord into an empty socket on the computer. 

A message appeared on the monitor: "PLEASE ENTER ACCESS CODE TO USE CYBERSPACE JACK." 

"Uh... what's the access code?" Wedge wondered. 

"You're asking me?" Cait Sith said. 

Wedge typed in some random numbers. There was a loud beep and an alarm began to sound. "Oops," Wedge said. 

There were footsteps from outside the room and Palmer burst in. "Palmer!" Rufus shouted. 

"Hey-hey!" Palmer said. "You're not supposed to be here!" 

"We're not," Cait Sith said. "You're hallucinating." 

"Hey you!" Wedge shouted, pointing his Magitek gun at Palmer's substantial stomach. "What's the access code?" 

"Uh... security!" Palmer shouted. Six Shinra soldiers burst through the door as Palmer fled. Cid clobbered two with one swipe of his spear, knocking them unconscious, while Vicks shot one with his Magitek gun. Kefka killed the other three with an Ultima spell. 

"After that fat fool!" Cid shouted, running after Palmer. Although Palmer couldn't run very fast, he had quite a head start. Palmer ran towards an elevator and was about to hop in when the doors opened. 

Jane stood in doorway, pointing her uzi at Palmer. "Peek-a-boo," she said. 

"Hey-hey HEY!" Palmer shouted, turning to run away. Hanpan flew after him, grabbed him from behind, and gave him a wedgie. Palmer slipped and fell down, landing in a sitting position. 

Cid and Rufus's group rushed up to surround him. "GIVE ME THE CODES, PALMER!" Cid shouted, holding his spear out towards Palmer. "GIVE THEM TO ME!!" 

"Uh... it's 5622784!" Palmer blurted and started to pick himself up. He quickly found all avenues of escaped blocked off by the party, which had formed a circle around him. 

"What are you doing here, Palmer?" Rufus asked. "Speak up!" 

"Hey-hey! You've got questions, I've got answers," Palmer exclaimed. "Uh... I'm working for Angol Fred. After the Diamond Weapon attacked, I thought it might be best to hit the road. That's when Angol Fred showed up and recruited me." 

"For what?" Rufus demanded impatiently. "What are you doing for him?" 

"Hey-hey, I'm his top scientist," Palmer said. "I created the Yuffie Project. It turned out even better than my Jenova Project." 

"Your WHAT?" Rufus said. His shotgun slid from his fingers and fell to the ground. 

"That's right!" Palmer chuckled. "That was all my idea! Don't listen to the slacker Hojo, he's just leeching off of me! *I* created the Jenova Project!" Then, realizing that Rufus was no longer holding his gun, he scrambled into his feet and darted by Rufus. 

"Should I grab him again?" Hanpan said. 

"No, let him go," Rufus replied. "I've heard enough." 

"The Yuffie Project!" Aerith exclaimed, sitting down suddenly and holding one hand to her head. "I... I... remember now..." 

"What? What is it?" Emiko asked. 

"It's... it's... Angol Fred's project. He's trying to open the gateway to the Promised Land of... of... pure Yuf energy. That's what he wanted your Guardian Amulet for... to open the gate to the Promised Land of Yuf..." 

"Yuf? What is Yuf?" Red XIII asked. 

"It's... Yuffie's evil energy. The Yuffie cells! That's right! It's produced by the Yuffie cells! That's how Angol Fred has gathered his army! He used the power of the Yuffie cells to bring them back to life! Only an archdemon like him could bend the Yuffie cells to his will... then he controlled them using the Yuffie cells and sent them out to retrieve the Guardian Amulet..." 

"But what about you?" Vicks asked. "Why was he using a Slave Crown on you?" 

"The Yuffie cells... didn't work on me. Their powers couldn't take over my body... so he used a Slave Crown instead." 

"That's terrible," Sephiroth said, then reconsidered. "Oops! I mean, that would be terrible if it happened to me. But why is Angol Fred doing all this?" 

Aerith thought for a moment. "...he's trying to outdo his brother Angol Moa, the King of Illusions. If he harnesses the powerof the Promised Land of Yuf..." 

"Come on, guys," Cait Sith said. "We've got to defeat this evil menace and bring peace, harmony, and all that stuff to the universe. Besides, I smell a made-for-TV movie here.... BASED ON A TRUE STORY! and starring Cait Sith as himself, with Spot the Dog as Rufus Shinra." 

"Shut up, Cait," Rufus snapped. 

"Where is Angol Fred, though?" Rudy asked. "He obviously knows we're here. He could well have hightailed it out of here by now." 

"Cyberspace," Aerith said. "He's in Cyberspace." 

"Cyberspace!" Emiko exclaimed. "Of course! The King of False Rumors was created in cyberspace! That's where his powers will be the strongest!" 

"And we have a cyberspace jack," Wedge said. "How convenient." 

"This is going to be the final battle," Emiko said. "Are we ready?" 

"What happens if I answer 'no?'" Cait Sith asked impudently. 

Jane grabbed him by his tail and dragged him off his moogle as she started for the room containing the cyberspace jack. "No such luck," she said. "It's one of those 'communist choices.'" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Sharkyland for the Heaven's Flare Fast Draw.


	16. One Winged Yuffie

Wedge plugged the cyberspace jack in and entered the access code that Palmer had given them. "ACCESS GRANTED," the monitor read. Wedge took off his standard Imperial helmet, put the cyberspace jack on, and clicked OK. 

There was a loud screeching sound from the computer. Wedge started to glow a faint blue as the cyberspace jack took effect. Then suddenly the glow disappeared and Wedge fell back in his chair. A message appeared on the monitor. "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, contact the program vendor." 

"Wedge? Wedge? Are you okay?" Vicks asked, waving his hand in front of his friend's face. There was no response. 

"He's dead, Jim," Spekkio reported. 

"This whole dying thing is really starting to annoy me," Vicks said. 

"Stupid @#!^$%& computer!" Cid swore, kicking the computer. A spray of sparks came out of the monitor. Cid bashed the computer with his spear, this time causing a much larger spray of sparks. Electricity jumped through the computer, which then exploded. A pale blue rift expanded from the explosion and sucked the whole party in. 

Hanpan looked around. They were standing on a wide plain, with a few hills, extending as far as they could see. The plain was glowing a faint blue-green-purple color, and the sky was a hazy dark blue. "This must be Cyberspace," he said. 

"This could take a while," Aerith said, scanning the horizon for any points of interest. 

"Let's look for some signs of civilization," Emiko said. "Angol Fred has his greatest strength in populated areas." 

"In Cyberspace, you might be looking for a while," Red XIII said wryly. 

*** * ***

Several hours later, they arrived at the outskirts of a large, futuristic-looking, city. "Well, now where do we go?" Pesmerga asked. 

"Let's find a tavern or someplace," Rufus said. "We might be able to pick up some information on Angol Fred." 

"Oooh!" Cait Sith, pointing at a Chocobucks down the street. "How about an espresso joint? Besides, I need some sugar. Keeps me hyper." 

"Oh, that's just what we need," Rufus said sarcastically. 

They entered the Chocobucks and looked around. A ruddy-brown demon with horns and large black bat wings that was wearing a blue suit and hat sat alone a table, drinking some Java. "Hey you!" Cait Sith shouted at him, hopping down off his moogle and trotting across to the table. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" 

Without waiting for a reply, Cait Sith climbed into a chair across the table from the demon. "Hi, I'm Cait Sith. I'm an Esper. What's your name?" 

"Rupert," the demon said. "I'm a mailer-daemon." 

"Really?" Cait Sith asked. "That sounds interesting." 

"Not really," Rupert said. "All I do is run around hauling e-mail for people and shouting 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.' If it wasn't for Angol Fred, I might go postal." 

Cait Sith glanced quickly at the others. "Who's Angol Fred?" he asked Rupert. 

"You've never heard of him?" Rupert asked. "You must not be from around here. He's the King of False Rumors. He likes to send out lots of Spam... he must have some promotion deal with Hormel or something. Anyway, sometimes people will get mad at him for sending them all that spam, so then he pays us mailer-daemons big money to send them firebombs -- you know, flame them." 

While Rupert was talking, Cait Sith noticed a bill sitting on the ground. He picked it up and looked at it. It was cyber-money, and according to the bill, was "legal tender for all class members, public and private." 

"So where's Angol Fred live?" Cait Sith asked. 

"Oh, he lives in a cave in the hills to the north," Rupert said. "But you might have a hard time seeing him. He has a firewall around the cave, you see." 

"Okay, that's it!" Cait Sith snapped, standing up. "This cyberspace bit has gone too far!" 

Rudy and the others, who were standing in the doorway, quickly jumped to the sides as a group of camouflagued Wintel Dynasty soldiers burst through the doorway, armed with machine guns. "Oh no!" Rupert cried. "The Inquisition!" 

"Everybody stand up and put your hands in the air!" one of the soldiers barked. "We've received reports of Java in here. You all know that using a non-Wintel product is a crime against the state. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimiliated." 

The Inquistion troopers opened fire on the Chocobucks. Patrons tried to flee by jumping through windows, but found more Inquisition soldiers waiting for them. Kefka fired the Light of Judgment at the soldiers, incinerating them. 

Meanwhile, Jane jumped on a table was using her Chainsaw ARM to cut a hole in the ceiling. More Inquisition troopers raced into the Chocobucks, keeping up a steady stream of fire. Vicks was shot in the head and crumpled to the ground. 

"They've killed Vicks!" Aerith exclaimed. 

"It was inevitable," Spekkio said. "Don't worry, he'll be back, if only so he can get killed again." 

"Quick!" Jane shouted as she removed a chunk of ceiling. "Through the ceiling!" They climbed up through the newly-made exit and up onto the roof of the Chocobucks. 

"Now where?" Mog asked. The building was surrounded by Inquisition soldiers and armored cars. 

"I'm still thinking about that one," Jane said. 

There was a shout from on the of the soldiers. The soldiers turned and ran away from the building. A group of figures ran out of an alleyway and started fighting the Inquistion. 

"Come on, now's our chance!" Jack shouted. They slid down from the roof of the building and ran in the opposite direction from the Inquistion. 

The Inquisition forces were routed by the oncoming group. "Hey... guys! Wait up!" a voice shouted. 

Rufus turned. Running towards them were the Turks, Yuber, Kuromimi, Stallion, Hanzo, Cids VI and IV, Cloud, Tifa, Vincent, Barret, Relm, Edgar, and Zed. "Zed? Kuromimi? Cloud? What are you people all doing here?" Rudy asked, surprised. 

"We heard Yuffie was still alive, so we came to investigate," Rude explained. 

"I owe you guys one for saving me from Angol Fred's control," Yuber said. 

"With me on your side, Angol Fred will be more black and blue than a macaw in an ink factory!" Zed said. 

"One Cid for all Cids, all Cids for one Cid!" Cid VI said triumphantly. 

"Shut the @#@! up, you raincoat-wearing phony," Cid VII snapped. 

"Thanks for your help," Rudy said gratefully. "All of you. We've got to stop Angol Fred." 

"We'll secure the portal back to the real world," Cloud said. He turned to his group. "Shall we be off?" 

"He did it again," Cid VII muttered as the other group headed off. "@#$#." 

Rudy's group headed to the parking lot behind the Chocobucks, where several modem-shaped cars were parked. "Do your thing, Hanpan," Jack said. 

Hanpan wriggled through the tailpipe of one of the cars and up into the car's interior. He then pushed his way out through a ventiliation grille into the body of the car. Hanpan unlocked the doors, then flew outside and repeated the process on several more cars. 

"I think you owe me overtime pay," he said when his job was complete. 

"We can discuss that later," Jack said as Jane hot-wired the cars. They piled in. 

Cait Sith found himself sitting in the front seat of a modem-car next to Rufus, who was driving. Red XIII took up the whole back seat. "Hey, Rufus," Cait Sith said as he got off his moogle and into a child-safety seat. "I guess this makes you a modem driver, huh?" 

"Just shut up," Rufus said as he started the car. The group drove out of the city and headed north to the hills. They circled around the hills until they located a small rocky opening in the side. 

"Is this it?" Hanpan wondered as they climbed out of their modem-cars. 

Rudy looked inside and immediately jumped back as flames lept out towards him. The narrow tunnel inside the cave was blocked off by a massive wall of crackling flames. "It's gotta be it," he reported. "There's the firewall that the daemon talked about." 

Cecilia ran back to the modem-car, grabbing the Magic Vase, and returned. She began to pour an endless cascade of water out of the vase until the fire was quenched. 

Forced into single-file, the party slowly advanced into the cave, their weapons at the ready. The passage turned several corners and descended a gradual incline, growing steadily dimmer. As they turned around the fourth turn, they found themselves facing a bright light at the end of the tunnel. 

They cautiously advanced towards the light, which was coming from a chamber at the end of the tunnel. As they passed into the chamber, they fanned into a larger group. 

The room was a circular cave with a high ceiling. The ceiling was covered with stalactites; the floor was broken up by bubbling pools of Spam. Kneeling by a pool and stirring the Spam was none other than Angol Fred himself, wearing the Guardian Amulet around his neck. 

Angol Fred looked up as they entered. "Well, well, well," he chuckled. "I've been waiting for you. You're just in time to witness the opening of the Promised Land of Yuf!" 

"You can't do that," Emiko said defiantly. "We've got all three gems. The Guardian Amulet is useless." 

Angol Fred laughed and stood up. "Fools! Your battle with Yuffie between the dimensions generated more than enough energy to complete the process. I am inveeeeencible!" 

"Oops," Jack said. 

"Now you will see, hear, and feel my power!" Angol Fred laughed, raising his hands. "Spam Wave!" 

The Spam pools began to bubble and a vast tide of Spam rose out of them. Angol Fred flew into the air on his dark blue wings and watched as a seven-foot wave of Spam built up over the pools. 

The Spam wave began rolling towards the party. "Do something, kupo!" Mog urged. Rudy fired the Arch Smash at the Spam, but there was no effect. Jack cast Heaven's Flare, but the wave of fire dissolved when it touched the Spam. Sephiroth tried Meteo, but the meteors only caused minor ripples on the Spam. 

"What can we do?" Rudy asked desperately. 

"There's only one person who can save us now!" Spekkio said. 

" **PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAN!!!** " The wall of the cave collapsed as a tidal wave broke through, with Pepsiman surfing on. Wordlessly, Pepsiman hopped off his surfboard and smashed the Spam into pieces with his metallic hands. 

"No! Pepsiman!" Angol Fred cried. 

"We've been saved by the cool, refreshing, taste of Pepsi!" Rudy exulted. 

Pepsiman shot a blast of Pepsi at Angol Fred, who was still flying over the Spam. The impact knocked Angol Fred sideways. He spun around several times and then plummeted towards the ground. With a sickening gurgling sound, he crashed through the ground and was absorbed into the semi-liquid Spam veins below. The Guardian Amulet floated up to the surface. 

Emiko took the Amulet and affixed the three gems to it. There was a flash of rainbow light that illuminated the whole cave. "At last!" he said triumphantly, holding the Amulet over his head. "The Amulet is complete!" 

"We did it!" Spekkio said. "We beat Bangle Fred!" 

"Angol Fred," Jane said. 

"Sorry." 

"It's over, then," Cecilia said, exhausted by the whole journey. 

"I don't think so!" a voice shouted from above. The ceiling of the cave began to crumble. The entire floor of the cave began to rise until it through the passage created by the collapsing ceiling. The floor broke through the surface and stopped rising at ground level. 

Rudy blinked in the sudden light and looked around. "Up, here, idiots," the same voice said. Rudy looked up. Hovering over them was a winged angel version of Yuffie. 

"Yuffie!" Red XIII exclaimed. 

"Ha ha ha!" Yuffie laughed. "Angol Fred might be defeated, but you'll never stop me! I have now evolved into my ultimate state, Yuffie*SYNTHESIS!" 

"Give it up!" Jane shouted. "When was the last time you played a game where the bad guys won?" 

"How 'bout getting something original?" Kefka asked Yuffie. "I came up with that ages ago!" 

"What are you talking about?" Sephiroth asked angrily. "That was MY idea!" 

"No way! It was mine!" 

"See this?" Sephiroth asked, producing a piece of paper. "This is my patent! It's mine!" 

"Oh yeah?" Kefka asked. "Why don't you just take your stupid patent and stuff it where the sun don't shine? You're just some cheapy third-rate villain! Nobody can top me!" 

"Calling me names, eh?" Sephiroth asked. "Well, take this!" He smacked Kefka in the forehead with the side of his sword. 

"RUFUS! Sephiroth hit me!" Kefka complained. 

"He called me names!" Sephiroth retorted. 

Meanwhile, Yuffie was preparing a spell. "Behold!" she shouted. "The opening of the Promised Land of Yuf!" Yuffie raised her both hands and shouted some arcane word that sounded to Rudy like "Bodabow!" 

A huge rift started to open up in the sky in front of Yuffie. "Now look upon the dread landscape of a land of pure Yuf energy, pathetic mortals!" Yuffie laughed. 

Hanpan stared through the rift at the Promised Land of Yuf as the rift continued to widen. "Evermore!?" he said, startled. 

"Mwah ha ha!" Yuffie cackled. "Yes! Come, my minions!" 

The kid from Secret of Evermore, his dog, and Benjamin from Mystic Quest leapt through the rift. "Now I know how Big Tiny felt in _Big Tiny and the Tarbaby of Doom_ ," the kid observed. 

"SHUT UP!" Rufus shouted. "Nobody thinks you're funny, so just SHUT UP!" 

"My, how many times I have heard this," Cait Sith said. 

Snarling, Red XIII leaped at the dog and clawed at it. The dog retaliated, biting at Red XIII's leg. Red XIII bit the dog's tail and clawed at its chest. The dog snapped back, tearing at Red's chest, but Red XIII clawed the dog in its neck and killed it. 

Meanwhile, Pesmerga charged at Benjamin and swung his sword down with two hands over his head. Benjamin dodged to the side. "Now, let's see.." Benjamin said, confused. "To fight, I... uh -" 

"Like this!" Pesmerga said, knocking Benjamin's sword from his hands with a swing of the Stingray Sword. 

"Cruis'n USA wasn't this hard," Benjamin complained. 

"You're so stupid, if you threw a rock at the ground, you'd miss," Pesmerga said, running Benjamin through with his sword. 

The kid from Evermore started to mix an alchemy spell. "This is a lot tougher than my old chemistry set," he noted. 

"That's it!" Rufus roared. "I can't take it anymore!! All these people trying to be funny or singing stupid songs! I've had enough! DIE!!" He fired his shotgun repeatedly at the kid and gunned him down. Cait Sith wisely hid behind a rock. 

"Okay, time for the next wave," Yuffie*SYNTHESIS said. "Fire Eyes! Professor Ruffleberg!" 

Jack blasted Fire Eyes and Ruffleberg with a Heaven's Flare, incinerating them. "We'll never be able to stop her unless we close that portal somehow!" Sabin shouted. 

Hanpan looked around for an answer. Yuffie was hovering over the rift to Evermore, and the party was surrounding her with their weapons drawn... all except for two. "I am rubber, you are glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you," Kefka was saying to Sephiroth. 

"Kefka! Sephiroth!" Hanpan shouted, pointing at the portal. "There's a whole world of annoying people for you to kill in there! Go! Go!" 

"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka laughed as he jumped through the portal. "This'll be fun!" Silently, Sephiroth followed him. The pair used Meteo and the Light of Judgment to destroy Evermore city by city. 

"Okay, now it's time to play hardball," Yuffie said, removing a Materia that was placed in her Conformer. "I didn't collect Materia for all these years for nothing." 

"I thought you wanted them for to help Wutai," Red XIII said. 

"Ha!" Yuffie snorted. "They were to open the way to the Promised Land! All I want is power! I am Jenova's heir! I will not be stopped... not when I have this!" Yuffie held up the red Materia she had removed. "This is the Spice Girls call spell!" 

"NO!!!!!" Emiko shouted. "If she uses that, it could mean the end of the world as we know it!" 

"No fair!" Cait Sith said. "I always wanted to say that!" 

Jane pointed her Hand Cannon ARM at the Materia and fired. 

The Materia shattered. 

"NO!" Yuffie shrieked. "You can't do that! You'll pay for this!" She swooped down, the Conformer raised. 

Time seemed to slow, either as a result of an impending disaster or the folks over in the special effects department. Rudy leaped towards Yuffie, but saw that he could not arrive in time. He reached into his vest and produced the Death Song ARM that he had received long ago in the Elw Castle. He braced himself for the imminent cacophony, held the ARM out towards Yuffie, and flipped the switch. 

John Tesh music began wafting through the Death Song's speakers. Yuffie screeched, halted her attack, and fell to the ground. Screaming in agony, she writhed on the ground while the music continued to play. 

Cecilia rushed up and started to pour water from the Magic Vase on Yuffie. "Nooo!" Yuffie cried as she started to dissolve in the water. "I'm meeeeelllllttttiiiiinnnn-" 

Rudy stared at the pool of water on the ground. "She's gone." 

"We have done the universe a great service," Cait Sith said. 

Aerith shook her head. "No," she said. "She's still alive. That was just her... body. Her spirit of Yuf energy lives on... in Evermore." 

"Let's get going, then," Rudy said, jumping through the rift. 

"Wait!" Emiko said. "That portal's not sta -" But it was too late. There was a tearing sound as the rift closed up with a snap. 

"Rudy!" Jane exclaimed. 

*** * ***

Rudy landed near what used to be Fire Eyes' village in Evermore. The sky was raining meteors, and Kefka's Light of Judgment flickered across the horizon. Fires raged everywhere, and the sky was a deep purple. 

Assembled in a clearing were Kefka, Sephiroth, Lavos, Zeromus, Exdeath, Zeikfried, Emperor Barbarosa of Suikoden, Dolf from Vandal~Hearts, Tyr, Deathevn, the Sinistral Daos, Thanatos, Panzer from Shining the Holy Ark, Chaos, Madruk from Dragon Force, Dracula (as in Castlevania), Dark Force, Giygas of EarthBound, and Deathtamoor from Dragon Quest 6. "Whose are all these folks?" Rudy asked Kefka and Seph. "What are they doing here?" 

"Kickin' butt and taking names," Kefka laughed. "This is the most fun I've had since I moved the statues out of whack. Heh, heh." 

"Is Yuffie still here?" 

"Unfortunately," Seph said. "She's up in that space station, Omnitopia. She's surrounded it with a barrier of Yuf energy. Nothing we can do can shatter it." 

"Maybe you should leave this up to an expert," a voice behind the assembled villains said. They turned. A white sphere appeared in the sky and formed into the shape of Alhazad. 

"You amateurs watch and learn," Alhazad said. "Super Transmitted Mega Crush!" Alhazad held up his right claw. A lightning bolt flew out and struck the space station above. Omnitopia exploded into flames, obliterating all of the station, Yuffie included. 

The villains fell to their knees. In unison (except for Lavos), they began to chant. " **WE'RE NOT WORTHY!! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!** " 

*** * ***

Rufus's party and Zed's party waited in the computer room of Malduke. A sudden crack opened in the air and Rudy stepped out. 

"You're back," Hanpan said. "What happened to Yuffie?" 

"She's dead," Rudy said. "Alhazad destroyed her." 

"We figured as much," Reno said. 

"Now it really _is_ over," Cecilia said. 

"The Guardian Amulet is recovered," Emiko agreed. "The power of the Guardians has been restored, and the evil force of Yuf has been toppled." 

"Of course, you couldn't have done it without my help!" Zed said fervently. 

"Shut up, Zed," Jack said. 

"What happened to Kefka and Sephiroth?" Sabin asked. 

"They still had some tidying up to do in Evermore," Rudy said. "And I think Sephiroth was trying to get Alhazad to autograph the Masamune." 

A blue sphere of pulsing light appeared in the air over the group. "Thank you, Innocent One," Stoldark said. "You have freed us from Angol Fred's control, and defeated an evil far greater than Angol Fred. Your mission is complete." 

"Well, we've beat Shingle Fred and saved the universe," Spekkio said. "What are we going to do now?" 

"I'm going to Disneyland!" Cait Sith said. 

"Look, it's Angol Fred! ANGOL!" Jane shouted. "For the love of Zephyr, it's ANGOL Fred! Can't you get his name right?" 

"I guess it's time for us to head home," Aerith said. 

"You know, I'll miss you guys," Cait Sith said. "Uh, except for Rufus, that is." 

"Just leave me alone, okay?" Rufus snapped. "I'm having a bad hair... month." 

"For you, every month is bad hair month." 

"And ESPECIALLY no more comments about my hair," Rufus said, turning from Cait Sith. 

"Maybe we can all get together again sometime," Sabin suggested. 

"Oh no, not a sequel," Jane groaned. 

*** * ***

Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid, and Aerith disembarked from the Protowing as it dropped them off near Junon in their homeworld. Red XIII looked around, a puzzle expression on his face. Faint music that sounded vaguely familiar was coming from nearby. The sound seemed to be coming from the northwest, the direction in which Junon was. 

Rufus ran up a hill to investigate. His mouth dropped open in shock. Junon had been repainted in bright pastel colors and covered with balloons and confetti. The Jenova World song was blaring out of giant speakers. And a huge cardboard cutout of Sephiroth stood in front of the city, holding a sign that read "WELCOME TO JENOVA WORLD, the Seph-iest place on Earth!" 

"SEPHIROTH!" Rufus roared as he charged down the hill. " _SEPHIROOOOOOTH_!" 


End file.
